I am sorry you are upset. You seem disappointed that your previous plans together fell through. You also seem disappointed that since you have time open she's doing solo activities rather than planning something else you could do together to take place of the Burning Man trip.
I could be wrong... but before you seemed to want to try a "hands off"
approach. I do not know if you told her this is what you were trying to do at the time or if she perceived it as you growing cold and detaching.
Now that some time has passed, that approach doesn't seem to have serve you well.
The last several times I tried communicating without talking it out I've put my foot in my mouth and driven her away a bit. I can't let that happen again.
What does that mean? Communicating without talking it out? Do you mean you wrote her a letter rather than oral conversation?
What behavior does she do when you "drive her away again" that you are fearful to experience again? The cold shoulder? Not speaking to you? What?
At this point in time, you seem to be bothered that she's doing some separate things -- and not sure if that means SHE is growing cool/detaching toward you.
I said similar before in response, but I'll say it again... You could not shy away from having hard conversation. Could lean INTO it and actually ask what needs asking.
Sometimes taking action can alleviate anxiety. Learning how to do solid conflict resolution
is a skill -- and you won't get better at it if you do not practice it. If you feel overwhelmed, you could always ask to stop and continue again some other time. Take a time out. Usually emotional flooding passes in about 20 min -- could take a walk to clear you head. Nobody says you have to cover it all in one go!
You could ask her...
Could you be willing to set a night to talk about various things? How about ____? Does that work for you? Here's a list of things I want to talk about so you are not put on the spot.
- I am experiencing anxiety attacks and I'm worried about having one when I'm alone with son. Could you be willing to talk about how to help me reduce my anxiety?
- Could you be willing to spend time with me? NOT as co-parents, NOT as a married couple doing house chores. But as friends and lovers. Because that seems to be lacking and I miss you. I'm asking you out. (It may feel weird to have to ask her out again after being married, but her time is no longer automatically just yours. So ask her out.)
- Could you be willing to meet my need for touch? I miss your touch.
- Could you be willing to read poly hell with me and talk about how to address those points? Because right now I feel (list the ones you feel) and I'd like to feel better while still giving you time/space to cultivate your other relationship.
- Could you be willing to read about jealousy and do the page 5&6 things so I can adjust better to polyshipping?
- Could you be willing to meet some of my other unmet needs? I need... and then list the needs in need language and suggest HOW to have them met. For instance, if you have the need for companionship, could she be willing to move her gym time to 8 AM so you can come with her to workout and the kid can be in daycare?
- Could you be willing to talk to me about how I can better meet YOUR needs? And if I cannot meet them any more and you are slowly losing interest in participating in a relationship with me and being present -- could we talk about how to best break up so all parties (me, you, son) can navigate that in a healthy way?
Hang in there.