Originally Posted by biamore
How do I tell her that the new man in her life is not quite conforming to a poly relationship ? Is it my place to even bring it up? She has lived with the couple for about 1 year now. Should I let her figure this out or is she now a lost cause because she lives with them now and visits us instead of vice versa? Any help out there please help?
She's "not allowed" to have outside sexual encounters, or she "agreed" not to have outside sexual encounters? The distinction is important. If she believes she's "not allowed" then there could be something fishy going on.
Your relationship aside, I would ask for details as a friend. Is the other couple trying to control her behaviour? Is she vulnerable to a potentially abusive relationship? When she started dating them, was there a dialogue about behaviours, or did they simply hand down the "rules" for their relationship? Having known her for 11 years, what do you believe her frame of mind is like that she would accept people telling her what she is and is not "allowed" to do?
Unlike the other posts, I would be suspicious of a situation where someone I'd been with for 11 years suddenly wasn't "allowed" to be sexual with me. I would be wondering how much of that was her own choice and how much was pressed upon her from the others. It doesn't seem very loving to me, to pressure your new girlfriend to give up someone she's been intimate with for 11 years. That doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't "conform to poly relationship," just that it doesn't seem very kind.