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Old 08-26-2013, 10:06 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
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I don't think waiting one night -- especially when it sounded like you were going to tell him until he came home in a bad mood -- is being secretive. You've just been corresponding online, unless your husband doesn't know you have an account on that site, how can that be considered being "secretive".

It almost sounds like the "being secretive" comment was taking out of context, are you saying your husband implied you are being secretive about M?

Because I don't think it's fair to tell someone that, not when they didn't immediately divulge corresponding, but did the very next opportunity and it didn't go well. To be honest, it doesn't sound like he is ready for you to actually "see" other people if he is giving you this much headache about online correspondence.

We all get grumpy and act like fools, so hopefully he will realize that is what he was doing and come back and inform you that he was just being over-emotional -- if he seriously implied you were hiding anything.

I consider it extremely controlling to interfere with your partners non-sexual friendships unless your partner is a recovered addict and they are using, however I would never "date" another person without meeting their bf/spouse if they are currently in an intimate relationship.

I would and have gone to lunch with women I knew had comitted relationships, but I would consider it very disrespectful to behave in ways that would be anything but platonic friendly. I have never demanded from a gf that I meet whomever they are dating, but I do insist that I meet -- in person -- anyone's SO before I go on a "date" with their SO.

There really is not that much difference between a gf/bf relationship and a close friendship, however that one little aspect of sex, sometimes is a very big deal to their SO. I would never choose to become involved with another person's gf if I knew it would be problematic, and meeting them in person is an extremely good indication of whether or not they would be able to handle the non-monogamous or possibly "poly" interactions that could potentially happen.

I am not saying my way is the right way and the only right way, but for me personally, it's a matter of respect. I won't be behaving in anything but a non-sexual friend unless I meet with their SO. You'd be surprised how many people claim they are OK with non-monogamy -- even those who are active in a non-monogamous/poly community -- that ultimately are not yet able to handle their SO being involved if others.

Sometimes it is not the sexual aspect of the relationship that bothers them, which can make things even more confusing, as I consider it controll that crosses the line of abuse if an SO dictates who their bf/gf is allowed to be friends with, though there are a few exceptional circumstances. Either way, as far as knowing whether or not their SO is going to have a problem with the relationship, there is hands down no better way then meeting with them.

Yes that does mean many "potential" people never get past the first or second real life meeting, and I am sure it prevents many first real life meetings, but it is the only way that works for me. It eliminates nearly every if not all major problems, at least the ones that could have possibly been avoided.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-26-2013 at 10:10 AM. Reason: typos
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