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Old 02-18-2010, 12:57 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Tough questions V...feel free not to read at all.

This is just my opinion Vandalin so take it with the knowledge that I am genuinely concerned for you.
Firstly, Mono, I will always read what is said here. We are all entitled to our opinions and observations and there is always the possibility that any one of them could be right, or any multitude applicable.

Secondly, I really do appreciate your concern and I do see why. I have thought of most of these questions, which I will explain, and the ones I haven't I will comment on. But know that I am not taking these concerns lightly and some of them I have even discussed with both Elric and Cajun.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
What you describe above is probably not a way to create that healthy relationship you are looking for. What this will probably do is build up a fevered pitch in excitement that inevitably one or both of you will get caught up in and then you are back to square one. I'm getting a clear picture of the mixed signals you are being sent by him and am merely stating my observation that there is something missing here. You are fulfilling his needs. That seems to be the end of the cyber benefits.
Until I got into my relationship with Cajun, cyber was a big thing for me. As I've mentioned, I'm not big on the whole dating scene and this was a way for me to express myself sexually without exposing myself (in more than one way). When I cyber, I am an actress, a roleplayer. Like a movie, I know it is fantasy. The only difference between that time and the present is that my old cyber habits were more like one night stands. With Elric, I admit, there have been occasions where I wondered if what he was saying was also valid in RL, and in a way it is. As I mentioned we are both very sexually attracted to one another and even he would have, at one point, loved to have had a sexual relationship with me. But he is not comfortable with having a physical relationship with a married woman, even with Cajun's "permission".

I feel we are both getting something that we want from these "chats", being able to express how we feel physically for each other in a way that is comfortable and safe. We have had one session since agreeing to this and it has not changed, for better or worse, how I feel about him emotionally. In the cyber world I am not, me. I may use some of what I want or feel, but it is not really me...if that makes sense.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Have you asked yourself if he will still be so interested when and if he does become involved heavily with another woman for himself? Do you think she will be ok with his cyber visits?
I know that when he becomes involved with another woman in RL that our chats will probably come to an end. I knew that from the get go. I feel I am ready for that. Our chats are so rare as it is that not much will have changed. I would hope that he would have an open (verbally) and honest relationship with any woman he is with and be able to talk about our arrangement/agreement and see how she feels, even though I'm pretty sure that she will ask him to stop or to not start up again if we have stopped until that talk can happen. I will not continue to have these "chats" with him if she does not know about them. To some people, cyber is cheating and I don't want that to interfere with his RL relationships. So, you see, I am even willing to put a stop to it if necessary, and I will do so if I start to feel that it is interfering with my emotional attachment or if either Cajun or Elric feel that I am getting "worse".

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I can't help but think you are setting yourself up V. I want you healthy for real. Personally I think you are doing whatever it takes to hold on to a part of him that really isn't yours.
Maybe I am trying to hold on to a part of him that isn't really mine. Actually I probably am, but I don't think it's the sexual aspect I'm trying to keep hold of. I am trying to keep hold of the emotional and romantic feelings that we thought we had for each other back in May/June when this whole thing started. I think that his finding a RL relationship, if he is ready, will actually help me to move on from wanting more than friendship because I will see how happy he is and I would never do anything to hurt or damage his happiness.

I do appreciate your concern. Maybe I'm slightly masochistic, and my dad always said I seemed to have to learn things the hard way, but I need to test myself in different ways when it comes to him so I know what I can and cannot do and/or take. I know that if we are around each other that our physical contact has to be limited to hugs hello and goodbye, anything more and I start to melt. I don't like saying I can or can't do something without having tried or tested. Maybe that does set me up for more pain than some who never take the chance, but that is a part of what makes me, me. For better or worse.

Maybe I'm being stubborn or blind, but this is how I see it at this time. Who knows, maybe in a week, a day or even an hour, how I see it will change.

Thank you Mono, for taking the time to point these issues out. And I hope you will still take the time to do so in the future, whether for this relationship or some other I may have in the future.
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
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