LR, I totally get how you feel on this issue. My husband and I have never, not even once, paid a sitter to come to our house and watch our kids so that we could go out and do something social or adult. WE take turns, or we bring them along. Maybe my parents take them once in a while so we get a date night, but they live an hour away so that is not often.
I do pay a sitter during the day when I need to work and TB is at work too. But that is one person that we have been bringing our kids to for 5 years. Same woman, and our kids love going there. Now that we have a teenager who is old enough to watch the little ones, we will take one or two nights a month together. But, really, they are OUR kids and WE take responsibility for them at all times. Not that I think that parents who DO hire babysitters are not, just that we have never wanted to do that.
My BF is the same way. He has two teens, who need ferrying to various sports and school events. He will not make arrangements for someone else to pick them up just so he can come and meet with me. WE work around THEIR schedule. His kids will only be living at home a few more years. I will not take that time away from him.
AS to being able to speak to you directly, well some people are just not good at direct communication. They probably think it's easier to negotiate or pass along messages through their partner, hoping that the "Love" will filter out any hostility or misunderstanding. But, really, it is triangular communication, AND the telephone game. Just today my husband asked me to tell my BF something, and I was like "Why dont you just Facebook him yourself?!?!"
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori
Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...