Things are a little better around here. I'm spending a lot of time on my own, with friends, with Ren. I did go on a couple of dates - fell into the 'I need someone to fill this black hole' trap. But realized soon enough I am NOT fit to date anyone right now.
I had a lovely evening with my friend N last week. He's been my friend for a long time, and at some point I fell in love with him, had a emotional affair with him that I hid from Ren, things came out, and this was actually the incentive to open up our marriage. N and I always remained friends but things have been rocky sometimes, there's a huge attraction (that we never really acted on - he's married, and it took him a long time to tell his wife about our connection). So we would go from being close, intimate friends to people who occasionally kiss each other when drunk to periods where we did not speak at all.
We recently had a fall out that needed clearing up.. and we did that last week, and had a lovely evening where we felt really close.. walking the streets arms locked, sitting close to each other in a bar, long warm hugs, great talks. It was wonderful and very healing to spend time with a guy who loves and adores me and who I love, and feel that we have this deep and lasting friendship that can take blows and still survive.
It got me thinking about what poly actually means to me - obviously it means loving and sexual relationships, but it also means these kinds of friendships, with an intimacy level that would be unthinkable for most of my friends who are in a relationship. It's something I would never want to give up ever again.
I'm seeing Knight later this week and also have a date with BGuy next week. For a girl with no additional relationships I'm sure seeing a lot of men
I'm also busy planning a road trip abroad with Ren. For a while I had no energy or enthusiasm for it, but I'm now beginning to look forward to spending 3 whole weeks very far away with my favorite guy, doing what we do best: driving around, relaxing, eating and drinking.