Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 08-24-2013, 02:09 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 912
Default "To err is human, to forgive is divine?"

Eh. I am still a work in progress so not posting within my blog is probably not the best idea.

Our schedule is balanced right now. My parenting skills keep coming in to question, and it annoys me. I am not the perfect mum. I do not spend every waking hour with my children, and I do have a right to have interests of my own. At the end of the day, they are not missing out on anything. The latest I am out is on Monday nights when I have a workout and toning class. The class ends at 9. I make sure homework is done, and that we have had dinner and spent time as a family before I leave at 7.

What my schedule looked like this week:

6:30-7:30 Cuddling with DH (One hour block of uninterrupted QT time.)
7:30-8:15 - Morning baths, getting them dressed for school, talking to Nanny J, and/or fixing breakfast for the little ones.
8:20 Out of the house and driving to duckie #1's school
8:25 Parking, getting duckie #'2 pram, and walking her in to the school.
8:30-9 Parent/child time in her classroom.
9:00 Driving to Brighton to take duckie #2 to his nursery
9:15 Dropped duckie #2 off and heading to meet DH
9:20-9:50 Breakfast or morning tea with DH before we start our days. No discussing our children. (On Friday's he has a music class.)
10:00-1:00 (work for me) and 10-5:30 (work for him)
1:15-2:15 Lunch with DH, grocery shopping, or home to do laundry, unload the dishwasher, or pick up toys
2:15-2:45 Dinner preparation.
2:55 Leaving home to pick up duckie #1.
3:00-3:05 In the line to pick her up.
3:10-3:40 A run to Frolic to chat about her day and to spend some one-on-one time with her.
3:55 Picked up Duckie #2 and heading to Bentleigh for duckie #1's ballet class. (Tuesday - ballet and Wednesday hip hop)
4:15 Arrive at the dance studio.
4:30-5:00 Watch her practise.
5:05-5:15 Driving home
5:20 Duckie #2 wants a snack.
5:30 Put the already prepared dinner in the oven or on the stove.
5:45 While dinner is in the oven/on the stove, I help duckie #1 with any homework. If she has none, I play with her, my son, or both of them. She likes to play with Barbies, paint, and go over routines again.
6:00 DH gets home. Talk to him in the kitchen, ask how his day was, and he goes upstairs to take a shower.
6:20 DH plays with the little ones and sets the table.
6:25 Washing up for dinner.
6:30-7:00 Dinner and clean-up
7:05-7:20 Being entertained by my 1 year old while duckie #1 works on wrapping DH around her finger.
7:30-8:30 Nanny J watches them for an hour while we take salsa lessons on Tuesdays.
8:45-9:30 Light snack for my little guy--usually fruit or something really soft like the melts and cuddling with my princess while we watch Disney Jr. or Nick Jr. as a family.
9:30-10 Bath time, duckie #'s last feeding while we read him a story, French braid my baby's hair while talking with her, pyjamas, prayers, story time, singing, or cuddling with my son until they fall asleep. By 10, they are in dream land.
10:05-11:05 Bubble bath, massages, catching up on texts, phone calls, e-mails before we shut it down for the night.

The rest of the night is spent with DH. Usually we eat junk food or make a froyo run, have a glass of wine, cuddle in front of the fireplace, watch CSI: Miami (love Horatio), L&O: Criminal Intent (Goren and Eames were the best), or Four Weddings Canada, or make love. Often we just talk and laugh at the most random things. The time is free time, so no two nights are the same. For example, last night, I went out after he went to bed. I told him before, and he just told me to be careful. I just had some bonding time with my female friends. We listened to music at a jazz club, had cocktails, and I was home by 12:30. He went out with some of his friends earlier in the week, so it was no issue. Every one was still sleeping peacefully.

For once, there is nothing but peace in my life. My children are beaming with happiness. DH is relaxed. I have no stress. I wake up with a smile on my face every day. Spring is almost here, and Father's Day Part II is 1st September. I am still trying to figure out what to get DH.

I talked to my bestie's girlfriend, who is a great friend of mine, and she informed me of a few things. Si is heavily considering moving back to the UK. Apparently, she was in London earlier this week and left for Ibiza the night she returned. She is there with a group of our mutual friends. I am not in contact with her, so all of that was a surprise to me. I am glad that she is surrounded by loved ones and hopefully taking care of herself.

I am having an issue of sorts within myself, and it is why I felt the urge to post again. I miss having my ex in my life as a friend. Generally, I am a terribly forgiving person, but I just do not have it in my heart to forgive her. After the most recent argument with Matt, she sent me an e-mail that was a confessional of sorts. To say it left me flabbergasted and with my jaw permanently smashed in to the ground would be the understatement of the century. In not so many words, she confirmed Matt's fears of her trying to replace him, refusing to respect boundaries, and doing whatever it took to push him out. She admitted to revelling in the fact that he left in March and wanted a divorce. She was overconfident in thinking that I would not fight for my marriage and that she had accomplished her goal. This is no different than a poly spouse who encounters a cowgirl. Only Si did not say she wanted to be exclusive. Oh no. That would not have accomplished anything. She implemented actions to get it done.

As soon as I told her that he would be returning and that we had committed to working our arses off to save it, she went cold. If you have been following this for the past six months, this is the point when Si stopped calling and returning calls. She ignored texts. She ignored my daughter's calls. Bailed on ballet recitals, days at the park, and doing things with the children she claimed she loved as her own. As a result of her behaviour and inability to be the only one investing in our relationship, I ended it at the very end of March. I realise she had a lot to work through internally, but that was no excuse for her to shut my children out. I ended up forgiving her for that in the weeks after, but my DH and even daughter have not done so.

Now that I know the full truth, I cannot even get mad. I appreciate it, but I am disappointed because it makes me feel like she did not respect our marriage or his place in my life. It makes me feel used. It also makes me question her commitment to my children and if they were also pawns or props in a sick, twisted game to one-up DH because she was jealous and envious of him and what he had with me. I seriously wonder if she only wanted to become a third parent to piss him off.

Everything she did was with the intention of driving him away and setting him off, and I am just not sure I can ever respect someone like that or allow them back in to my world. If so, I will never trust her again and question her every step of the way. What did she do? Everything from taking a job at the same place and knowing that he would be forced to see her at work and then at our home (causing him to get tired of seeing her every damn day) to knowing that she was cutting into his time with our children to saying that she did not want to move after we had purchased a home, started extensive renovations, etc. She knew that I would ask him to reconsider because of her and viewing her as part of "my" family. It was all part of it.

DH may have had his issues with her, but he always respected her and made accommodations for our relationship. At no point did he ever ask me to end it or isolate her like he probably wanted to. DH tried to tell me all these things, and I dismissed him like he was overreacting. Maybe if I had listened all of this could have been avoided. Oh well. The sad part is that her e-mail did not contain a single apology. Why would I want someone like that around me? I may forgive her for myself, but I need to let go of this idea of her ever being friend material again. Letting her back into my life spells trouble, and it would be disrespectful to my husband's feelings to have someone around who clearly does not respect him. I need to stick to what I said about no contact and follow through.

Anywho, I hope everyone is well. I am off to get some pampering in. We have a gala to attend tonight.
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