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Old 08-23-2013, 11:11 PM
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SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPaganHim View Post
Well this will be my first actual Thread.

Again for those of us who are "noobs" to this, there are A LOT of questions, emotions, issues, that come up when moving into a poly relationship. Perhaps some background. Im going to apologize in advance....this is going to be long.

3 years ago, while I was working at a restaurant, there was a co-working that I befriended. After sometime I learned that "she" (Moving forward she will be referred to as "L"), was struggling with alcohol addiction. Because of my previous addiction to Meth ( 16yrs clean now), I thought I might be able to help. We started to spend more time together, and talking more. At the same time I become more closed off to my wife, and began hiding things, and lying to her. This caused the obvious troubles that a mono marriage would see. I kept seeing L, and actually began to have feelings for her. Misguided as they were, I still had them. This nearly tore my marriage apart. Runied any trust we had built between us. Eventually L left the scene, and PPHer and I started to rebuild the trust bridge. Obviously I had to do all the work.
I can empathize with this part completely! Nearly ruined my marriage with something similar but it was not as emotionally connected.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPaganHim View Post
to today. It has been 3 wonderful years since "the incident". In my mind and heart I have felt I have proven my trust to her. I have dedicated my everything to rebuilding that bridge and making it stronger, IMO. As we are discovering our poly-selvs we have been slow to move. First we agreed to allow her to date, and I stay mono. That didnt seem fair to me, since I believe the same things she does. So we began talking about moving forward to allowing me to date, but she had to get over the past loss in trust in me.
That really does surprise me! Not knowing either of you well and of course not having been in a similar real life scenario it almost would seem that she wants to explore her options since you have already done so previously in the relationship. Just this time she won't feel any of the guilt since it is more in the realm of poly based exploration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPaganHim View Post
I udnerstand she has the trust issues, but there has to be a time when we have to take a step from behind the wall and put it behind us. I have agreed to move slowly, but Im not sure how slow it will be. Today I brought up putting up an OKC profile to meet new friends, and only friends (Men and Women). I figured if she got used to seeing me around other women in a friend compacity it might start to ease her trust issues with me. "Trust training wheels" if you will. It became quickly evident that even the mere mention of this upset her. We had to step back and take a breath. She proposed a "joint" page, so we could both meet friends. I did not agree to this, because it felt I was being forced to grow at her pace, but she was allowed to grow on her own. Are my feelings here a little to immature? Am I acting like a child in this?
I agree with your feelings that this is not quite right. I understand her wanting to have the upper hand on things, after what you have done secretly in the past. This sounds like she is almost controlling the situation to show you how what you want is not really going to happen. If that makes any kind of sense. You are not being childish or immature. If the two of you have decided to expand what will happen in the relationship, it should be at a level that you BOTH feel comfortable. Just sounds like she is the one with all the say and if you argue with her, she will just pull the rug out from you. Taking eight steps back for every two you get ahead is not going to work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPaganHim View Post
Im not sure where to go from here. I do love and repect her feelings, and have respect for how she wants to proceed. At some point I feel that my feelings will need to be equally respected. I know she is worried about being "replaced" but if you knew her like do, you would know she could never be replaced. I dunno, really. Any advise would be helpful.
Once again, my complete lack of actual experience in getting anywhere with my own spouse may make me the most useless person to be responding. I am though... and I say again that there is something odd in the water here. I know that though she is outwardly agreeing with your ideas, it seems she goes backwards when it will become reality. That is exactly where I am at the moment. This idea of them trusting us again after the trust is broken and to move forward with actually being able to connect with others is almost a no win situation. I don't know about you but I am actually MORE frustrated because now I am being honest and STILL not allowed to live as I want. It's almost like they are not actually willing to let us be happy even though they continue to say it is what they ultimately want!!! Agh!

Have you asked for a timeline on when she might feel confident enough to allow you to talk/hangout/date other women? What sort of hoops does she still need you to jump through?
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