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Old 08-23-2013, 09:09 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Strangely I get the not being ready part...there's the history, the kids , the upheaval ...nothing horribly wrong within the marriage.

How can you make the demotion , displacement and intrusion better when it hasnt really got going full speed. Meaning you have yet to have your desired relationship dynamic with your BF. You said you want it all ...unrestricted dates , sleepovers, split time, etc. etc
I DO want all that, sure. But in reality, BF cant give me those things right now anyway. He has a wife and kids himself, and obligations on his side that prevent those things from happening. But someday, yeah, that would be ideal.

The summer has been very challenging for us. With all the kids schedules, we have only been able to really see each other once every other week. Which is very different for the "school year" schedule, which is once or twice a week. But most of that time is family time with a toddler, not even adult time. For that, we rely on texting and an occasional date at night (maybe once a month if we are lucky).

TB, on the other hand, still gets to see me every day, sleep with me every night, spend quality time (when we can carve that out in between work and kids, etc..). He still often feels like he doesnt get enough of me, even though proportionately, he gets WAY MORE. This is part of my fundamental issue, and we have disparity in ow much is enough and how much is "too much"....

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
A few days ago a friend said that in therapy she discovered that guilt was the motivating factor in trying to make her two relationships equal. In fact she over compensated in one relationship due to her feelings in the it actually wasnt equal at all thus upsetting thing further.

Could guilt ...or a chunk of guilt be masked as this companiate love.
Guilt of having these feeling ..guilt of what it could do to the family, etc
Sure, I have thought of this. I have lots of guilt. Plenty to go around. That's why therapy should be beneficial.

I do think this was a motivating factor for taking a break from sexual activity with both guys. I needed to look at the situation as a whole. I was spending time with BF, building up all this sexual energy, and then not having an outlet for that. Bringing it home to TB was fun at first, but it started to feel icky, like I was giving him something that really belonged to BF and I. I did not like that. I am still trying to figure out whether that needs to be a boundary for me, not being sexual with TB after a date with BF. I want my sexual encounters to be genuine for each of them, and not just a way to expend energy, and not giving one person a "gift" that should have been given to someone else....

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So I/we (other posters) got the tone and gist right You recaptured the one that got away "a" soul mate ...and you have a long history ( marriage) and commitments (kids ) which constitutes a bond Or love like close relative ....something other than passion or "being in love "

When did you develop your theory on soul mates ?
Yes, TB and BF and I have had many conversations discussing how BF is the "one that got away". I tend to downplay that, myself. While I do think about what life would have been like had I made different choices, if BF had actually told me how he felt when he had the chance, the truth us we didnt make those choices. I dont believe in second guessing those kinds of things. I made the best choices I could at the time, with the information I had, and I have accomplished many wonderful things in my life. I can only go from here onward.

As far as my "theory" on soulmates, well I suppose it has evolved over time. Many years ago (over 10) I read a book by Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts. It resonated with me in a way that I needed at the time, seeking connections with others who come into your life, and the fact that they are there for a reason. Not some "Divine, prescribed" reason, but just that each person was an opportunity to learn and grow. Some of these people would be more important than others, help me in greater ways, and I would grow by leaps and bounds around them. Others are wonderful companions but may not have a significant impact on my life overall.

Much of the subject matter of her book was based on Jungian archetypes and made sense to me in making sense of the roles I was playing in different relationships, as well as the roles people were playing with me. If a person comes into my life, and impacts it in a significant way, such that my life is never the same again, well that person would be a "soul mate" to me. It may not fit other people's definitions, but it is a word or term that allows me to explain that person's significance in my life.

Thanks for continuing to ask questions for me to think about.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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