Seeking help with possessiveness, jealousy, and falling in love.
I'm in some serious need of advice. Toward the end of last year, I met a woman who I began to casually date. We got along well, but the relationship was largely physical, so we never really considered calling it anything besides what it is.
Skip ahead a few months, and we both have a "Shit...we like each other. What now?" moment, as we had both expressed an overall lack of interest in "settling down", especially sexually. So, we set out the bounds of a sexually open relationship. I know she had been seeing another man before me, but that they interacted even less then we did (especially since we started to see more of each other), and it really didn't bother me. I mean, what more could a 20 something year old ask for? A woman who cares for me, and who doesn't mind me expressing my overt and natural sexual state.
Some background: I'm a couple of years older than she is, but this is my first foray into non-monogamy (not including serial dating, which has been my lifestyle for a few years), but she is quite seasoned in this, especially compared to me. Things were pretty great for a while, I went on a few dates, I think I slept with two women over the months we were dating. Soon enough the L word came into play, which is when I started to feel funny about certain things. She began telling me about some men she was considering going on dates with, and my stomach began to flip around.
I became filled with negative emotions. Jealousy, which I thought I had left in the past, but in reality just seems to had lay dormant because I hadn't LOVED anybody in so many years. Which obviously made me a big ol' hypocrite, which also sucks to know about yourself.
I expressed these feelings, and she was supportive enough, but concerned by the hypocrisy, so I also pulled back from my conversations with other women to even things out a bit.
Around this time, I began to remember why I suck so bad at monogamy; without what I think you guys call the NRE, my interest plummets in a way plain old unfair to my girlfriend. We're still sexually active, but sometimes it is like I'm horny for anything but her, and that makes me feel awful, because I most certainly care for and find her attractive! But it's as if my body rejects her. This is not atypical, and is basically the sensation that has led to the downfall of all of my other long term relationships.
Recently, she has expressed interest in reaching out to the man from the beginning of the story. Details aside, this made me uncomfortable, because I felt like this man seriously disrespected her when he cut ties with her earlier this year. It bothered me that she'd be interested in a man who I felt like wasn't even respectful of her. So, it got me to thinking exactly how much of that feeling is Mr. Jealous-Possessive-Lizard Brain, and how much of that really is my person belief system. Our sex is very aggressive. Mean, even sometimes.
Now, that's obviously consensual and part of what made us clique so much, but this thought made me realize; this is likely the same kind of sex she'd be seeking from other men. Then the thought of a man slapping my girlfriend in the face and calling her his little cum slut popped into my head.
So, what am I getting at here? I'm concerned that I am neither ready/willing to commit to a monogamous relationship, but also not mature/ready/who knows what at the moment to love somebody while they're sexually active with others.
Do you remember having to get over your own possessiveness? Was it just something you started with, and so were drawn to non-monogamy, or was it "learned"?
I love this woman, and I can't stand to be a hypocrite in the name of my own irrational concerns of her going out and being "disrespected". I'd really like to find a way to make everybody comfortable, happy, and fulfilled.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you did. I know it was muddled and confusing, but that's how I am right now.