Nothing like feeling things are going along smoothly and then realizing that you don't have it as together as you'd like to believe, and that maybe you're full of shit.
Okay, maybe not completely full of shit, but UGH.
When P and M1 were moving, I asked them if maybe they could look for a 3BR apt (2nd BR was going to be for P's daughter). I was feeling pretty excluded from P's life down that way (his family and our mutual friends from HS are all down there), was feeling envious that M1 seemed to get to do everything with everyone down there (I had those moments where I felt, "Everyone thinks that THEY'RE the main couple and I'm just the sidechick") and I couldn't, due to my distance. I just felt left out.
I made it clear (or so I thought) that this wasn't going to be able to be a "home" for me (P does the "split home" thing pretty well - wherever he is is home... me, I need roots and a cocoon of my own, so my home is MY HOME). I was hoping it could be my space with P in THEIR home, but not one that I would use all that often unless something came up. I wouldn't go out of my way to stay there, in other words.
I guess P was looking for a bit more than that, though… his commute is asstacular, and he was looking to maybe share the load with me a bit, to come down more often so he could ease up on his gas bill and not get stuck on the occasional 3-hour commute if the perfect storm of construction, accidents, and stupid people brewed up.
I didn't quite realize that at the time.
Anyway... They found a nice 3BR, and I was happy that P and I could make plans down that way and not have to factor in a 1.5-hour drive each way.
Last week, P asked me to come down so we could have our semi-regular "powwow" down there. P would spend the night with me in the new BR (it was one of my nights with P), and then I'd go to work the next morning. It went okay, but the commute sucked, I got there at about 9pm (2 hours later than P usually gets home to me, because I have nobody else to feed the cats and take out the trash), and had to leave no later than 5:30am (another hour earlier than P usually has to leave when he's home with me, since, again… home first, for the cats, THEN to work). To top it all off, it was "group" time (me, P, and M1), and I was jonesing for alone time with P.
Anyway, it went well enough after I got there and pounded a glass of wine to get rid of the bad taste of the commute. The powwow actually went pretty quickly, P and I retreated to the bedroom for alone time, we woke up, had coffee and breakfast together, and then I left.
So… we had an event planned last night that P and I were going to attend, and it was going to be another "sleep in the new place" night. Except, the event didn't work out, so now what to do?
I suggested staying north. We haven't worked on the basement/garage/tractor nearly as much as we've wanted to, and honestly, I had just been there a week prior and wasn't looking forward to replacing one of our nights with a night that had less time for us, and the potential of it not being alone time. I didn't want to go.
P wanted the place to feel like it had more "us" in it. He wants to make memories there. He wants me to just be there once in a while. Distancing myself from the place was upsetting him. So, okay. He needs more "us" in the place, and I want to give him what he needs/wants (he doesn't ask for a hell of a lot, and he'll give until he can't give any more), so yes, I'll happily go for that reason.
And I went. We talked and hashed this all out (at times, quite animatedly), went out for gaggers (two all the way) and a coffee (cawfee) milk
(link for the non-Rhode Islanders) and it went well. We got home, smoked some hookah and chitchatted a while. M1 wasn't due home until 11-something, so I figured we'd have plenty of time, and then I'd be tired anyway and start getting ready for bed while they caught up.
Except M1 left earlier than I expected.
And I started getting antsy.
(Note: this is where the self-fulfilling prophecy begins)
Oh, and I will begrudgingly admit that I am hormonal, because I KNOW this impacted my reaction (grumble, grumble, hate admitting that…).
M1 was getting home early, and my mental preparations went to shit. P went online looking for some hookah tobacco, and after a minute or so of that, I went, "We don't have much alone time left, can we not spend it online?"
He looked at me and went, "Clock's ticking?"
And I went, "YES!" and abso-fricken-lutely lost it.
So apparently, the "having less time" isn't as big a deal as "not wanting to give up my alone time" with P.
Having a separation between relationships has always been a necessity for me. Not in a DADT sort of way, but more in a "not interested in a poly pod" sort of way. I need my relationship with P to be ours. I don't want to find myself in the middle of his other relationships, and I don't want anyone in the middle of ours.
Yeah, I'm Mono. Can you tell? I guess this is as good as the compromise gets.
When we plan to all get together, it's fine. I'm good with the powwows, the family stuff, all that. But those nights that are ours are precious to me, and they're not always just the two of us. My kids spend the weekends here with me, so "alone time" on the weekends is relative. I get a couple days a week, average, of alone time with P. I need that.
Driving south? The commute sucks, but so what.
Shaving off time? Sucks worse, but is evidently doable.
Going south and anticipating it being the three of us and not the two of us, when it normally would be?
And it sucks more because I LIKE M1. I don't want to grab P, scurry off to the bedroom, and make her feel like a leper in her own home.
I feel like an abject failure. I wanted to be able to give P what he wants but I feel like I fucked it up majorly.
I asked P this morning after an emotional night how often he wanted to do this - I wanted to keep trying and get better with the whole thing. He said "events and powwows."
Basically, what I'd asked for from the beginning.
Basically, he gave up asking for what he wanted.
He said we'd find some other way to get more of "us" in the apartment, that he's sorry for how much it hurts, and he doesn't want to put us through the anxiety of worrying about when things are going to end, when we should just be enjoying what we have.
In my HEAD (oh, thank you, rational, Spock-like brain), I know that events and powwows are frequent enough, but not overwhelmingly so, and that's probably going to be the BEST way to start getting comfortable with this, to ease into it without getting dropped into a scenario I have a hard time handling, which is what I hoped for initially.
But in my heart, I'm feeling like a failure and that it's not worth working on (to him) - when I know that's really not what he means. I just absolutely hate disappointing P and myself.
I needed to vent. To get this out, wallow in my misery for a bit, and then get over it. What's done is done, and we will make do with reality and work from there.
As for bringing more "us" into the apartment, I have some leftover paint from when we painted the BR here. It may be too raw to bring it up now, but I'll suggest it at some point, along with getting some pictures up on the wall, and my leaving some stuff there. I don't want to give up on giving him what he wants. I suppose we just need to rewicker how we're going to make this work.