I'm writing this out partly because it's something I was considering posting anyway, but also as a test for whether it will work to let Grotto read my blog.
A horrible, dark aspect of the Grotto/Lobe clusterfuck. Something I hated to see grow inside me, and that I did not dare look at too closely. A small, feral animal that I was too afraid to feed.
Grotto's boundary, not wanting me to have a certain connection with Lobe, combined with my heady desire to explore, my actual fucking attraction to Lobe... and I found myself slipping into Comparing. Clamber out, fast!, before the dirt walls crumble...
Grotto and I have been together for over four years. Lobe and I have only gotten to know each other these past few months. Quite possibly a certifiable case of Extreme NRE. Adjust adjust for Forbidden Fruit.
What was I left with?
A part of me that couldn't help turning this over with a pitchfork. Who would I seriously want to be with, if I had to choose?
Sometimes I was frightened to realise that I didn't know.
Every relationship is different. I hate the idea of comparing one to the other. What's better: a sunflower or a blueberry?
This should be a no-brainer. My relationship with Grotto should obviously be my priority. I was genuinely trying to keep distance from Lobe, to let things heal between Grotto and me, but I couldn't seem to escape the magnetism. My subconscious continuously undermined the best intentions of my rational mind.
I knew it would never work to break up with Grotto to be with Lobe. Their friendship would hands-down trump a decision like that.
For some reason, though, I got thinking about parting ways with them both. Taking time out, recalibrating myself. I guess I'm more of a "flight" than "fight" person. But still, what the fuck?!
I feel ashamed that I had these thoughts. Deeply disloyal. A fickle bitch.
On the other hand, those were the collateral emotions of whatever shit was happening here. Emotions I wished I didn't have, emotions I did Not want to buy into. Emotions that I was trying to avoid having...
Lobe said at one point that he didn't want to fuck up the good relationship Grotto and I had.
I said - don't worry, Grotto and I are solid. We're good. We somehow-or-other sort our stuff out.
And yes, this is true.
On the other hand, the scenario itself was a crack in the armour. I could feel a chilling breeze... Jesus...
The best way forward, that I could think of, was to convert my behaviour into a dedication to Grotto... Respecting his boundary as a powerful sign of love. Yes, it may be hard but I needed to do this.
(One thing that helped, was my hope... ah, a flicker... that this might be okay some day. Me touching Lobe. BUT I had to temper that. I really did not want to pressure Grotto. Is it possible to have hope but not to expect? I needed to. I really needed to pull that off.)
Home alone, listening to "Stand by your Man" on repeat.
By chance, one day, Lobe started singing it. Maaaaan...
That was some crazy mood weather.
I haven't told Grotto about this part of how I felt. It was a tiny fracture, way down the hole. Put into words, I can imagine this would HURT.
But, it's also one of the Real Things I was feeling.
Something I was thinking about writing on this blog... but in the end, didn't need to because Miraculously! Lovingly! his boundary shifted.
Guess it's water under the bridge now, but oh so polluted. I wonder if he could ever read something like this without feeling pain... whether I could bear to let him read this.
Then again, he wants to see inside my shameful basement, my smoke-filled attic, that cupboard in the laundry with the rusted hinge.