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Old 08-23-2013, 12:25 AM
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SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Southwest
Posts: 12

Originally Posted by PolyPaganHim View Post
Im fairly new to this, but as a person, who has recently gone from a mono relationship to a poly one, honesty and frankness is the best way. Explaining how you feel will go farther then just an "Im going to do this. Wheather you like it or not". Again, Im new, but in any situation, in any relationship ultimatums typically dont work. Someone always will feel trapped, and feel their feelings dont matter. he may just have the posessivness feeling that we have been trained to have. My wife and I talked on this point the other day.

From infants were taught not to share. If a sibling takes a toy from the baby, we take the toy away and give it back to the baby, telling the sibling, "Thats the babys toy" This then is learned. When it happens again, the baby will cry. Then when were toddlers we are then scolded for not sharing. This breeds confusion.

In relationships, we have been taught 1 partner 1 love. Having other realtions out side of your current one is wrong. Thats how country singers make their money. As ingrained as this reaction is, it may be hard for him to wrap his head around it. He may be feeling inadaquate, angry, confused.

A good honest open talk, allowing him to share his feelings on the subject. Sometimes this is all it takes to move forward. If he feels hes not going to lose you, and your marriage isnt going to suffer he may come around.

So take this with a grain of salt. I dont have much experience in poly relationships, but I do know a bit about communication. No problem ever fixes itself. You have to communicate.

Hope ive been helpful

Thank you. It is always helpful when others provide their insight into things. I often wonder if I should have made this more of a "deal breaker" issue right from the start. I felt this way before so I am unsure of why I thought I would be able to suppress it.

I guess my biggest hurdle at this point is getting him to discuss it in a "real" way. Most times he has no problem with the "idea" of things but when it comes down to actually putting rules into place or making things happen, he folds.

If you are unable to offer ultimatums then how do you get what you want? I mean in the nicest way possible you have attempted to get them to understand and this is just a hard limit for them. Ultimately, it would lead to divorce unless I can put a lid on it. Right?? (For anyone in general I pose this last bit.)
How sweet the words of Truth, breathed from the lips of Love.

~James Beattie
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