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Old 08-22-2013, 03:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Putting the marriage DOWN. Realizing the shift in feeling ...appreciative love ..."longevity love" (if that makes sense) the obligatory or pity time an attention ....pacification. AS opposed to being in love. Many many have said the same thing " i love him/her but not in that way ANYMORE . Life too short for either of you to except less ...IMO.
I dont believe either of us is ready for this. I do believe we can make things better, for both of us. Yes, things feel different for me. I always assumed this was a normal and natural progression in a long term relationship. I know there are people who feel just as much in love with their spouse as the day they were married, but I think it is much more common for partners to fall into something more comfortable, companiate, and maybe less charged than when they first met. I wish I did feel that way, still. Truly. He is a wonderful man, and I do miss feeling that way, with him. But I can honestly say that I DO LOVE HIM. And I do tell him that every day.
Strangely I get the not being ready part...there's the history, the kids , the upheaval ...nothing horribly wrong within the marriage.

How can you make the demotion , displacement and intrusion better when it hasnt really got going full speed. Meaning you have yet to have your desired relationship dynamic with your BF. You said you want it all ...unrestricted dates , sleepovers, split time, etc. etc

A few days ago a friend said that in therapy she discovered that guilt was the motivating factor in trying to make her two relationships equal. In fact she over compensated in one relationship due to her feelings in the other...so it actually wasnt equal at all thus upsetting thing further.

Could guilt ...or a chunk of guilt be masked as this companiate love.
Guilt of having these feeling ..guilt of what it could do to the family, etc



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The impression from what Ive read ....you had/have a 30 yr history with the BF. You dated ...where best friends since teenagers ...you have an unbelievable bond and connection some might call "soul mates" I dont think you ever used that word but that was the tone.
Yes, BF and I do think of ourselves as "soulmates". We have talked about that together, and even with with my husband, all three of us together. I think my husband is my soulmate too. I think we have many, not just one.

BF were strongly connected when we were younger, but have also spent many years not in contact with each other. Almost 15 I think. We were busy raising our kids and living separate lives. First real connection again was about 4 years ago at a mutual friend's wedding. We sat with them, and it was amazingly wonderful for me, as a poly. I was there with my husband, my BF (then just a former high school love), and the best man was my ex~boyfriend too. Hubby knew all of this and was fine with it, knew I got a kick out of it. It was a lot of fun for me.
So I/we (other posters) got the tone and gist right You recaptured the one that got away "a" soul mate ...and you have a long history ( marriage) and commitments (kids ) which constitutes a bond ..love. Or love like close relative ....something other than passion or "being in love "

When did you develop your theory on soul mates ?


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You mean you think she open to these types of discussions in a vacuum...talking about such things in general ...or as it applies to her struggling hurting father. you and the new BF and it's effect on the marriage and family...and the BF family as well ?
Yes, I think she could wrap her head around it as an abstract concept. Whether or not she could do so when it's her own parents? Dont know. I will probably broach this subject with the therapist this week, even if just to find out whether we should let her know we are in counseling. She babysits the younger ones so we can go. So far, we just tell her we have an appt out, together. Have not told her why. But I dont have a good sense of whether it is good to let her in on what's happening, or not.
I think that would be a very wise first step. But I dont see anyway around that conversation.

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Poly is hard. Wish it wasnt. But, I am trying my best to do the right thing, which I am finding is not always obvious...
And the right thing isnt always the most pleasant thing...and sometimes the hardest thing. Good luck
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