Originally Posted by YouAreHere
I keep looking for the FB 'like' button to mash down.
Kids are most definitely not naive. My ex-husband is going to get his ass handed to him one day because he fails to see it, and all I can do is live my life being honest with the kids, and open to answering any questions they have - without pushing them off or lying to them. I have to consider that the way in which I live my life is also an instruction to them, and that is a HUGE responsibility.
Totally hear you! My oldest is 22. It was only this last Christmas that her father (we separated when she was 2 months) called me to apologize and thank me. He is privileged in that, the way I raised her, allowed her to forgive him for some STUPID shit he pulled when he walked away. It motivated her to accept his apologies and "give him another chance" at building a relationship with her as adults so he can know his grandsons. It's allowed him to have a future with her-even though the first 20 years he threw away.
BUT it has also forced him to realize that he fucked up and he owes me more than he could ever repay.
Fortunately for him-I am just thankful that he got a clue. The rest is history and need not be dragged into the future. He's a good grandfather. His wife is a dream and I hold no grudge over mistakes made previously.
But you can be damn sure-I hold myself SERIOUSLY accountable with the rest of the kids-just as I did with her. The youngest is 6. She's a different breed. The older kids were SO independent and SO sure of themselves. They were confident and they were leaders. You could put them in a room full of misbehaving children-and they would walk out with kids who were behaving-just because they wanted to be like them.
The youngest, she's unsure and she's a follower. She see's someone doing something, she tries it. She doesn't understand how to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong if someone is doing "wrong" right in front of her. She's learned no lying, no hitting, do your chores, etc etc. But the more intricate concepts of WHEN to respond when called at the park, or which kid is playing "safely" versus kids who aren't still evade her.
So, I have to be even more aware of her surroundings.
While the older kids guilt tripped Maca over his cigarette habit-bringing home reports on what it does to your body, etc.
She laid into me over how "grown up daddys smoke cigarettes". It didn't even occur to her that her GG doesn't smoke. She adores her daddy-he smokes-so it's just what you do when you grow up. EEK! Even Maca cringed.
These guys, they know we are couples. At six she doesn't understand the full ramifications of sex. She knows boy body parts, girl body parts, she knows they go together and make babies, she knows all about babies growing inside of you-she's seen so many pregnancies. But the ramifications of being a lover? No.
But she watches how we act, how we treat each other.
Maca's ex-girlfriend, is still fond memories for her. She knows that E moved FOR WORK and that is why she is gone. She isn't upset and emotional.
But the potential who created so much drama, she is upset over. Not over the drama-she doesn't understand all of that. She is upset because she doesn't understand why this person who she met twice-suddenly isn't in her life now. She doesn't understand why this person who was kissing daddy in the kitchen "just like you and GG" is gone. Because for her-those kissing, hugging, lovey dovey moments are things that mean "I Love you" and I love you means I am part of your family. So why would someone who is family just disappear?
Being told that daddy and that person got in a big fight and they don't talk any more-just sends her into a tailspin. MONTHS of every time she got in trouble thinking that would mean that mommy or daddy or GG (whoever was "mad" at her) was going to never talk to her again-was going to leave "with that girl daddy kissed".
NICE! FUCKING NOT!
These things-people don't think about. She wasn't exposed to the drama or the fighting. She only saw a couple of happy moments. But those moments had MUCH MUCH more meaning for her than they did to either Maca or the lady.
Those moments created an emotional question mark for her in terms of her ability to trust that the people who loved her weren't going to leave her.
WHY WHY WHY should any 4 year old have to question those things? (She was 4 when it went down). It's asinine.
So yeah-we have some pretty strict rules regarding who is around and when they are around the kids. It's absolutely not a secret that we are poly. They know when one of us is going out on a date. But they don't need to meet people who aren't going to be around at least long enough to leave a positive impression on them like E did.