Get some coffee, this may take a moment.
Hello. I figured that while I continued to meander through the mass of information that is contained on this site I would take a moment to say a bit about myself. I have researched (online mostly) polyamory a great deal over the past 11 years. Similarly, I have looked into bisexuality and BDSM.
I was always interested in women but from a young age growing up in a very religious and conservative part of the south, I was told that my future would be a man, marriage and children. Even through elementary grades I developed crushes on boys as that was accepted but constantly wanted a romantic connection to my girlfriends. After some very uncomfortable conversations of my friends telling me I was too close and wanted too much from them, I began to withdraw. Most of the latter part of my school years I wouldn’t even let people touch me casually since I was always ashamed of my sexual interests which now included both sexes and simply added to the confusion in my head.
At 20, I married the first man I dated seriously and who took my virginity. 12 years later it derailed mostly because I was generally unhappy but the final blows came over the aspect of my wanting to explore polyamory. When given the go ahead to pursue a poly lifestyle, he then became angry, began cheating and became abusive but insisted the marriage continue. Thankfully, I was able to untangle myself from him.
I am currently on my second monogamous marriage with children. Have I removed my poly nature? No. Have I removed my interests in women? No. Will I begin to completely unravel my second relationship with a wonderful man that will not allow me to be who I am? There seems to be a greater chance now that I am here and as my name suggests have allowed myself to surrender to who I am and what I want.