Hey, all. I haven't been posting much here because 1) I got burned out on the site, 2) I've been trying to spend less time over-analyzing things, and 3) I've been trying to spend less time online.
- Davis and I are good friends who have good sex. We argue over stupid things sometimes. We look out for each other. There's a lot of my life that I feel like I can't share with him, because he doesn't want to hear about my love/sex life with other people, or my kink activities.
- I went to the big yearly camping event that we always go to with Gia, Eric, and Bee. Gia said that it meant a lot to her to have me camping with them (I'd almost decided to skip it this year, for a number of reasons, and she talked me into it) because it was really nice to have me as part of their "family unit" for a little while. A year ago, her using the word "family" in relation to me would have been seriously impacting. Instead I felt calm about it. Happy, but also a little distant. Because I've given up on the idea of having the sort of family that I once envisioned with them. But that's not a bad thing... just a realistic thing.
I went through a brief period of feeling like Gia didn't love me. Then I thought maybe I was feeling that way because *I* was actually falling out of love with *her*. Then I thought that maybe instead it was because my primary love language is touch, and there's so much less touch than I'd like between us. Then I thought that maybe everything was actually fine, and that feeling less desperately and achingly drawn to her was a good thing and not a problem. It's been years now of me wanting more than she's had to give... something's gotta give eventually.
We have a date coming up on Saturday. I think that it'll be revealing.
- Clay and I continue to deepen our relationship. I finally reached a breaking point and had to admit something to him the other day. I did it via a very long email. I told him that I'd faked orgasms during sex with him. It's something I've done with almost all of my partners throughout the course of my life, either occasionally or consistently. It had nothing to do with my level of satisfaction with him, it was just a bad habit. I wanted to stop doing it, but I had to tell him first in order to change things. He was disappointed, hurt, but not angry. He told me that he accepted my apology, and that he wanted to see me. I brought him flowers and chocolate and beer. We did our thing and had a lovely evening and morning together. We're going to be ok. I feel, in a way, like our relationship is stronger now that we've each seen the other fuck up, and accepted it, and forgiven it, and moved on. Like maybe we're fully human to each other now.
Very occasionally I'm struck with an unreasoning fear that he'll fall out of love with me without warning. It's not unprecedented (my ex, Ziggy, fell abruptly out of love with me... at least, it felt abrupt). I would miss him so very, very, very much if that happened. I have no reason whatsoever to think that it will. But ugh, so scary.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 08-20-2013 at 06:38 AM.