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Old 08-20-2013, 06:29 AM
northhome northhome is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Having honest and emotionally neutral discussion is a good way to do it - in my relationships it is one of the primary things that winds me up (in the best way possible). I would never call that "negotiation".

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by the poetic phrasing "fabric that holds the relationship together" but I suspect this might be what we are disagreeing about.
I'm referring to the fact that every relationship has an underlying set of agreements, assumptions and expectations whether spoken or unspoken. This is the "fabric". When or more parties want to change any of these it can happen either unilaterally - "I'm going to take a lover" - or consensually - "What about opening up the relationship?". It is the latter process that may require the skills I am referring to.

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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I have to tell you, every time you flash your resume I laugh.
I'm delighted to be able to provide you with a source of amusement.

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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I get why you do it, because you want to explain where your opinion is coming from - but arguments from authority are often going to cause problems with people who are aware of the tactic.
Ah, thanks for the heads-up. As I come from a collegiate, rather than adversarial tradition, I often miss the fact that people can ascribe motives incorrectly. Personally I am very interested in knowing where information comes from, and I sometimes mistakenly assume others have the same curiosity. Although opinions can be interesting, I often discount them until I know the person's background.

"I'm sure I can fly a 757" is great, but I'd prefer to see the licence. I know, I'm a bit of a distrustful type...

Simple solution - I can wait until someone asks where my input comes from rather than volunteering it. No problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
What we don't agree on (as far as I can tell) is that this exposure to new ideas and personal expectations breeds some kind of direct change, as if all a person needs to correct their broken thought processes is for someone to clearly and constructively say "that thought process is broken and here is why".
Rational understanding can be a beginning to change but only real experience and application can effect fundamental shifts in my experience. Some people like to think things through first, and then act. Others do the opposite. Vive la différence!


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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
It is probably because I find personal growth to be a personal journey - not a group journey.
I would have thought that was self-evident.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Clear communication is good, but I think it is only a very small part of a relationship between adults... contrary to the current popular belief.
I agree with you completely. The topic however was about relationship breakdowns and what causes them, and poor communication is a primary culprit in many of them. The reasons for the poor communication are of course myriad, and most of them are not rational.
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Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching

Last edited by northhome; 08-20-2013 at 06:34 AM.
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