The trigger for my rant-was posts on this board. There is no drama in our lives. I just get tired of the endless attitude that talking to your spouse/spice before making a decision; means you are being controlled &
that metamours shouldn't care at all what each other does. THAT MAY BE TRUE if you don't live together. But if a metamour is coming in MY HOME-then we are both adults and I expect that we should be free to address each other directly. If our mutual lover did or didn't "do his job" communicating-is ARBITRARY. We should be free to do our own communicating and create our own relationship and respect for each other without him being our middle man.
Originally Posted by MeeraReed
I can understand not wanting someone to smoke in your home or around your kids. But if a friend or random stranger/guest lit up a cigarette in your house, would you "look at HER and inform her that 'We don't smoke in this house!'" which sounds really rude and harsh? Or, would you act like a normal person and politely ask the friend/guest not to smoke?
I didn't put an exclamation point in my sentence and yes-I have told friends and ex-lovers of my own that "we don't smoke in the house-you need to take it outside". Loud? no. Rude? no. Calm-of course. But I certainly wouldn't tell Maca or GG "so and so is smoking in the house and you need to take care of it".
Nor would I expect them to do so. (and smoking was a total example-it's never happened with any woman any of us has brought home as a date.
But "normal" is also in the eyes of the beholder.
Normal to me-isn't smoking in someone's house. Nor does it include expecting anyone-absolutely anyone to be an intermediary between myself and another person I am having an issue with-unless we need an interpreter.
If I have something that needs addressed with my in-laws-I call them myself. If I have an issue with one of the guys siblings, I call them myself. If I have an issue with one of their friends or coworkers or boss-I call them myself.
And-just to be clear I ran this one past the guys too-and they agree. They think it's ANNOYING when people expect that everything needs to go through a third party.
It was annoying for Maca that women he considered dating felt that he needed to pass messages to me for them or vice versa. He, GG and I feel like that is putting the onus of communication on the hinge-which creates a WHOLE other set of issues.
Maca didn't end up in relationships with those women-because their expectations of him were to be single and free in behavior.
He isn't free to make decisions for the children or the household in a vacuum. He has two other adults to work with in making those decisions. (There was three when we had another adult living here). Just as I am not free to make those type of decisions without consulting with the guys.
That said-OUTSIDE of the poly community-with people who simply have open relationships, we seem to find that they EXPECT that we're going to have to call and find out what the plan is with kids-which days will be best for going out and find it totally reasonable that we have an "open door" policy for visitors (including overnight guests) but that we aren't free to run off on demand because we have kids to consider.
I find the whole thing eye rolling and overly dramatic.