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Old 08-20-2013, 05:14 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

It was a vent.

and actually-I'm not possessive at all of Maca. The woman he settled into a two year relationship with-I adored-for how she treated him AND how she treated her daughter-and my children and finally-how she treated me. We weren't lovers (she and I). We simply both expected that when people have prior commitments (in her case a child, in Maca's case children and other lovers) that it's necessary to find your place without displacing the pre-existing commitments.

This was something that was important to me as a parent; when we (Maca and I) got together as well. He had a child and I had a child (both single parents). It was important to me that our involvement not be the cause of one or the other of us neglecting our full responsibilities to our child. Thus-we didn't do "alone dates" unless the kids were with their other parents. We spent time ALL TOGETHER-doing kid-friendly things.

I am possessive of my children. But not my lovers.

I am also possessive of my space and most especially of my right to deal with my life and anything that is in it without having a man do it for me. (yep-some feminist defensiveness)

I am TOTALLY cool with Maca dating whoever he wants.
In fact-I'm ok with him wandering off and being unavailable all week to do so. He isn't-because when he's tried not being around at specified times with the kids (we did live apart for over a year two different times in our relationship) he found that if he doesn't see them daily-it starts to negatively impact his relationships with them. Obviously that is easily fixed if the loss of time is temporary and short lived-but the longer it goes on-the more permanent the damage to the relationship.

So anyway-I am unbelievably strict on myself regarding my time.
But his time is his to do with as he pleases.

AND for frame of reference-cause I know some people don't know the history-the same is true for GG. I used Maca as a reference because it was simpler than continuing to write both names while venting.

GG chooses monogamy at this time. His reason-which he laid out for me explicitly just after I posted my rant (he was reading over my shoulder as I wrote) is that he has too much responsibility with 2 children left at home to find time to date without losing what matters TO HIM in his relationship with the kid. It's not the HAVING of another relationship that he see's as a problem-it's the finding one. If someone were to wander into his life, move in and they were in love-it would be fine. Because he could continue with his current schedule and still easily enjoy another relationship.
But in order to meet someone and create a relationship-he would have to give up some of the time he's devoted as "his time" with the kids-and he's not wiling to do that. He's not even willing to do that in order to have date times with me lol.

So anyway-it's not just me or just Maca. It's all three of us. We are very hands on with our kids (and grand kids). We home school them and we don't use daycare. They are with one of us or a friend all of the time.

The people we've met through the poly community in our area are more involved in dating, bar hopping, going out doing "adult only" activities. This is something we don't usually do more than 5 times a year (adult only activities). We socialize in child friendly activities ALL OF THE TIME-but not kid-free zones.
The lady Maca dated for two years, I met online through a friend and it was a bit of an anomaly. Everything about her was so different from me and SO MUCH like Maca it was bizarre. So I introduced them and within a couple of weeks they were lovers. Within a couple of months they were madly in love. I was out of state for 8 weeks (I left a week after meeting her) and gladly gave them the freedom to use our room, our bed etc in my absence.
The biggest difference between her and that which created this vent-
Is that she and I agree that INDIVIDUALS have a right to express their needs directly to whomever is affecting them. Regardless of who is sexually involved.
This was important to her as well. She needed Maca to know and understand that if she felt that I was stepping on her toes-she was going to address ME as a person and an individual-because he isn't my parent and she doesn't need to go through him to talk to me.
Likewise if I had an issue with her-she wanted it to go to her-not through him.

We both find the "telephone game" bs to be a common thread of poly-where people press that metamours don't have a say so in each others lives. Metamours don't have a say so in the relationship between the OTHER TWO people. But metamours have their own relationship and the lover in between shouldn't be butting into their ability to communicate clearly to one another as needed.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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