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Old 08-19-2013, 08:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Do you even want to Open at this time like this? I wonder if you don't want to, but don't want to say it to him. Are you good at being assertive? If not...What blocks you from being assertive?

Does he not handle disappointment in appropriate ways? He's not suffering from "Lack of polyship" right now. He's simply having to handle that his potential is NOT giving a "joyful yes" and neither are you. He has to deal with disappointment that he can't have what he wants the minute he wants it.

Quote:
He thinks that if he is able to share his intimate connections with others, it will only bring us closer.
And when he's off trying to make intimate connections LIKE THIS... do you feel close to him? Nope. You feel angry, confused, frustrated, etc. You feel like closing up and shutting yourself down again so you cant feel pain anymore.

Could ask him if he's willing to share how he feels closer to you behaving this way and how his behavior is drawing you closer together. I do not see it.

Quote:
I don't want to own him and keep him to myself cause is that really fair? I see him suffer inside cause his sexual energy is not being full filled.
You have every right to have your own relationship preferences. If you prefer a relationship that is (closed, just us 2, and married) shape? There is nothing wrong with that.

Could flip it to see all sides, not just one. Where is your side of the coin?
  • Is it fair to ask you to Open to polyship in this manner? (Is he even ASKING? Or just doing without you?)
  • Are your needs for respect, consideration and concern being fulfilled?
  • Are there other needs not being met? Like emotional safety within a relationship?

What about her side? What are HER wants, needs, limits? Is she being honored/respected?

Quote:
So do I just let him suffer and never let him be intimate with another person. It sounds unreasonable to let him suffer. I don't know what to do.
He's horny? Well... could masturbate! Could invite you to share sex with him. Could negotiate with you to open the marriage so he can take on other lovers ethically. This? This is shenanigans.

It may not be fun to feel. It may not be fun to say. But you are within your rights to say

"This behavior is not acceptable to me. I am not willing to participate in concurrent relationships with you if you are trying to hook up with women without first considering my wants, needs, and limits and coming to clear agreements here first in the marriage."


I cannot tell if you prefer to stay CLOSED or you want to open but not like this. Adjust as needed... you could tell him...

"Could you be willing to discuss this and take my needs into consideration? What open model relationship are you offering me? With what boundaries? Could you be willing to stay CLOSED?"


Get it out there. Spit it out. Then sort yourselves out and determine where each of you stands.

I could consider an offer. But I don't just ACCEPT any old offer that comes along JUST because it got offered. I don't need to sign up for crazy town. I have to look out for my own best healths and well being. I have the right to understand what kind of offer is being offered to me and how that will affect me and my life.

So... what's he offering? If it isn't great sounding to you, you can say why. You all (whoever would be in the potential polyship) could work it out so it is good for all. Or you could just decline the offer and don't participate in an offer like that because it does not meet your wants, needs and limits.

"Thanks, but no thank you."

If the outcome of the talk is agreeing that relationship has reached the end of the line because you are no longer compatible? Could strive to be ok with that and end it with grace. Then you BOTH are free.
  • He is free to pursue what he wants without having to consider you.
  • You are free from shenanigans and lack of consideration.

There are two kinds of freedom. Freedom TO and freedom FROM.

Quote:
Maybe it is just a bad time right now. i am dazed and confused. Thanks again for you help!!
It IS a bad time. Could not make life changing decisions while dazed and confused. Since he pushes her... is he pushing YOU to decide to Open when you feel unbalanced?

Right now, he sounds like he wants to be "polysexual" to me at best. He doesn't much sound hot on being "polyamorous"... because he's doing less than loving kind behavior to you and to her by rushing on and being pushy.

Nobody ever died from going slow. Could ask him to put the brakes on. Could ask him to consider you. I still think shenanigan-y sounding... but I'll assume positive intent. Maybe he's willing but not ABLE at this time. Could take a time out to grow the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills required. Same for you, if polyshipping is something you want for yourself too.

What is it you need for support? How can people help you? Do you need links?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

are just some.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-20-2013 at 03:05 AM.
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