(ETA: Sorry, had to repost... my connection got wonky.)
I'm sorry you are going through this. This is NOT polyshipping to me. This is crazy sounding to me.
She said "No" -- not just once but twice and he still keeps pushing her. She wants other things -- he could accept that this isn't a runner here. Dating life comes with some disappointments because not every date is a runner. But he's jumping the gun trying to date her here.
I don't think you are hurt because he is thinking about dating and sex with some woman and considering to Open. You were fine considering this with him in the past. See?
We have talked about open marriage over the last 6 years on and off but nothing has really happened till now. It was really all theoretical in the past. And we both agree that it all makes sense and we would definitely consider it.
I think you could be hurting because he is breaking a previous agreement to consider it together.
He is making a unilateral decision for the couple to "Open" the marriage without considering or consulting your own willingness Open the marriage.
Not just once but TWICE. With a woman who keeps saying NO. I call it "Open" because if he's doing this without your consent? It is not Opening to me. It is cheating to me.
It is FRESH if he expects you to be feeling joyous that he's planning/trying to cheat on your current agreements in front of your face.
It is FRESH if he expects you to endure that and then comfort him when she turns his offer down.
I would like to lift this up to you --
So we talked about it and theoretically and concluded again that i would be ok with it. And the thing is this other girl, she is actually looking for a soul mate that she can start a family with. She really wants a family. And i know who this girl is as we have hung out with her numerous times. She respects me fully and has helped my husband open up too. And i thank her for that. She really is a good person.
You seem ok when you are included and respected.
You appreciate the she respects you with her behavior toward you.
By contrast? Your husband's behavior bothers you when it is not inclusive/respectful.
So, i'm not really sure if this is something that will work for me. Or maybe i am just not cut up for this sort of thing?
I don't think polyshipping is going to work for you in a peaceful way with HIM as a polypartner if he plans to continue behaving this way -- where he doesn't respect limits or consider the well being of his poly people before going off to do things.
For all you know, you yourself have good poly skills but HIS just stink.
Again -- to me? He's not planning a healthy polyship here with you and his potential. He's planning to cheat on you
, and he's planning to push her
beyond her stated limit. How is this behavior him demonstrating loving kindness toward his partner/potential partner? It's does not seem very loving to either you or the potential to me!
I really want my husband to feel fully happy and fulfilled in every way but i don't know if i can handle it and afraid that it might shut me down where to the point where my repress my thoughts and feelings, which i am really good at doing.
You are responsible for your own well being. If his approach is dangerous for your mental health, your emotional health, your spiritual health and/or your physical health? You could respect your OWN limit.
He's could not be selfish. You could not be selfless. You could both think about being self-full. Talk and sort yourselves out. To me?
- Selfish: trying to meet your own needs at the expense of others
- Selfless: trying to meet other's needs at the expense of your own your needs
- Self-full -- trying to meet others’ needs AND your needs in a balanced way
You could tell him "NO. I am willing to participate in a polyship with you like this. This does not meet my needs. This does not respect all people's limits or honor boundaries. This approach is reckless and bad for my mental health."
If polyshipping in this manner (with no boundaries and him off behaving like a free agent) does not work for you, it just does not work for you.
Obey your own limit.
If you are willing to work out another, different way of going that serves you both
better in Opening the marriage, and meets everyone's
wants, needs, and limits? Could tell him that willingness.
But if you are not willing to Open at ALL at this time because he's breaking trust behaving this way and you rather spend time rebuilding that broken trust first -- could tell him that too.
Could be assertive here. Could ask to meet her and him both to get on the same page.
Esp when he ignores your readiness, he tells you she says "she is not ready" -- for all you know she tells him to fuck off and he's ignoring that and whitewashing it in his mind so he can keep pestering her. For all you know he tells HER "My wife is totally ok with it. Really!"
Could not guess. Could go find out and KNOW. Could get it all from each horse's mouth. Could ask him to arrange for all to meet for coffee and sort this out -- where is each person's willingness and ability at? What are their wants/needs/limits?
Then you can decide what to do next for yourself.
Could see if he's willing to change his behavior and start to play like Jedi or if this is all him playing like Muppet Show with only more chaos up ahead.
Could lean into conflict and see it through to the other side. You CAN handle this. You may not love it, but you CAN choose to handle it.