Another rambling installment of "The inner workings of A4N"
Did more soul searching... discovered an issue that exists which was glossed over and ignored.
As I stated in my first entry, my wife and I used to be HYPERsexual. You name it, there was a time when we did it (Go ahead, PM and ask me). Since kids, we have lost that part of our wonderful relationship. Where I know that she and I are rock solid and will never want to leave the other, I now know that there is a HUGE chasm in our relationship that has to be addressed so that our relationship is where it used to be. What is the opposite of hyper...? We are there. I honestly thought I was ok with it but while soul searching, I realized that I held ALOT of resentment towards her for it.
Yeah, we talked about it multiple times but I eventually gave in and just swept it under the rug. That's the odd thing, we talk about EVERYTHING but that...
I realized this issue and my first response was to wonder if M was simply a "surrogate" for my needs I wasn't having fulfilled with my wife. I can honestly say that after some real discussions with myself, that is not the case. I really do love her even without the intimacy or affirmations of how she may still feel about me (we haven't discussed our emotions with each other for a while now so I assume she's in the same boat that I am and still in love but not acting on it).
So, is there a question I can ask to make sure I'm not fooling myself? I looked at it from all directions and M is not my crutch/surrogate/bootycall. She is as much a soulmate to me as my wife. I love her as much as my wife and kids. I even tried to convince myself that she was just a surrogate. That never felt right so I am convinced.
Anyway, on to the good part. My wife and I had a very long and deep heart to heart over the weekend. She has become somewhat reclusive and anti social, lost her drive to be sexual with her weight gain (she affirms that I never said or acted in any way to make her feel bad about it). We believe that she had post partum depression with one of our children and let it "fester". It then turned into a lifestyle change for her even though she might not still be suffering from it. She had always been somewhat of a wallflower and I just attributed her "home bound attitude" to raising kids and being a stay at home mom. Anyway... we are going to work on us. Get us back to where we were. Her words were "I am not the same woman you married and that's not fair to you".
Even though I know I am poly, I am not going to even think about it or talk to her about it until we fix each other. MAYBE, I will eventually discover that I was fooling myself and justifying M. I don't think... but I'm also not closed off to the possiblity since I once thought I'd never share my wife with another man swinging and I also never though I could love another woman. The flip side of that is that MAYBE she will be open to the idea of Poly and between her and I we will work with eachother to get rid of our insecurities.
Either way, I will continue to read and post here. I hope to develop some friendships and possibly help others along the way.