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Old 08-18-2013, 11:56 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545
Default Girlfriend material

Originally Posted by Krys View Post
Thank you for the positive outlook bookbug. I think in this case though, he just does not find me girlfriend material. Accepting that is very difficult for me and has wrecked havoc on my self worth.
Thanks for sharing and I am sure you will get a lot of good feedback here!

I would encourage you to answer these questins.

What do you consider to be the qualities of a secondary girlfriend?
What do you consider to be the qualities of a primary girlfriend?

What would the process look like in transitioning from secondary girlfriend to primary girlfriend?

Everyone would answer these questions differently. I can't answer for you, but I can share a few of my experiences as a primary. I am also a secondary in a few relationships and it is very different for me.

For me, a primary is more like a spouse. As a primary (we do not live together) I am the one that is there for him when he is tired, sick, depressed or anything like that. And he is there for me also during times when i am struggling. When he is working extra hours, I will do things like help around the house, wash and organize his clothes etc.

We plan and work on large projects together (like re-modeling projects- landscaping projects). We might support each other in making large purchases like automobiles, household appliances, etc.

I attend weddings and funerals with him and he does with me.

We help each other around our houses.

We are planning a future together.

As a secondary- my role is different. I may do some of the things that I do as a primary, but not nearly as much.

If I were wanting to try out a more primary role in someone's life, I would simply start doing some of the things that a primary does. And I might ask him to do a few things for me that I might ask a primary to do.

A friend of mine was starting a long distance relationship when he was hospitalized. She asked me if I thought she should go over there to "nurse him back to health". I said that she could make a decision based in where the relationship was at the time which was still casual and in a getting to know each other phase, or she could make a decision as if they were already in an established committed relationship. That is what she decided to do and they were eventually married!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.

Last edited by idealist; 08-19-2013 at 12:02 AM.
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