Originally Posted by kdt26417
Thanks for keeping this blog, and it'll be fine to me if sometimes in the future you want to add something, although I respect your decision to close that chapter.
I have found it valuable in hearing the perspective of someone who was poly, and has switched over to monogamy. I guess that's just my own opinion, but it's how I feel. All your writings have seemed relevant to me.
In any case, I wish you the best with your renewed vows and hope you'll have a marriage filled with happiness from now on.
Thank you, Kevin. I have removed myself so far from poly that I feel shame to have ever been associated with it. As sad as that sounds, it is what has been going on behind the scenes. I do not want to talk about that side of my life. Our therapist said it is like my ex never existed in my world despite playing an integral role for over a decade. Tis true. That is how detached I have become. There are no pictures of her in our home. Her name is never said by us or anyone we know. Everyone has just kind of moved on and is following some unwritten code to never mention her again.
My recent remarks have left my therapist wanting to meet one-on-one with me. Our therapist asked why I felt the need to be so hard on myself, and I could not explain it. I was sitting at the airport with my mum and dad yesterday, and I was thinking, "I broke my vows for that bullshit? I am ashamed of myself. I feel selfish. I feel guilty. I feel like a fool. My parents raised me to be something more than a floozy and a sugar coated cheater." I am being incredibly hard on myself. She seems to think it is because I have walked on the other side of the line, felt some of the very things my husband has been feeling, and now the guilt and empathy have set in. She could be right. Eventually, we will discuss it, but for now, I have no desire to do so. I would rather just continue moving forward and never looking back.
Either way it goes, I will be okay. Thank you for your support and advice. I am glad my nightmare was able to help someone.