Originally Posted by CattivaGattina
I know you may not read this but possible others may so I still want to make this post.
Did you really learn anything from what happened? Two of the things I noticed with Matt as his problems with the poly has two aspects.
1) The time away from him and the kids. So you don't have a girlfriend but you are active in 10 charities. That sill really doesn't allow you to be a good wife or mother.
2) Not caring about his input and requests. He doesn't want the beachside house, that is clear as day. But you so so "who cares about him, I'll buy it anyways."
While your ex isn't in the picture anymore you are still seeming to do the same things.
I did learn, and we are still in counselling. Communication was an issue. Tuning him out was an issue. His concerns were later proved to be valid as my ex confirmed every single fear he had ever had and tried to bring to my attention. Time was the worst of all. It was too much for one person to handle. I just could not do everything in the 24 hours. Most days, I worked 12 hours. That left 12 hours divided amongst two small children, a husband, a girlfriend, and sleep. With sleep, that time had to be further divided. Point blank and simple: I should have done two or three things: 1) Ended the relationship with her before we started a family. 2) Gave up the idea of having a co-primary and co-parent when their bio parent was not in support of the idea. 3) Listened to him when he was voicing his concerns and worries about that unnecessary third parent.
I do not have a demanding relationship or career now. Nothing keeps me away from my family. We both have our respective interests, but I schedule them so that I am doing them while he is at work or on nights where he has plans. Generally, I do things after my children are in bed. I never want them to have to worry about why I am not there when they need me or just want me. Thus far, there has been no point where I have missed breakfast because of an overnight/date with someone else (there have been none and will never be any more), dinner, the bedtime ritual, or had to reschedule a date with him because I was just too tired to stay awake for a date.
I am no longer worried about, "Oh shoot. After my baby's recital, I have a date with Si and an overnight on the schedule." I have one person's needs to tend to, and my ability to relax because of that is delightful. I am not worried about living in the same house and seeing the person I am married to maybe 15 minutes out of the day. There were days like that I remember one morning like it was yesterday. He was coming in from work, and I was leaving to get to work. I saw him that day from 7:30-7:45, and do you know that I did not see him again until the next day? When I got home, he was back at work again.
I am not involved in 10. DH and I attended two different events Saturday night. Our children were with their grandparents, and we made sure we got home in time for the bedtime ritual. We did go back out once they were in the bed and sleeping peacefully. We had a froyo and Reggae date. I am making sure to only be involved in charities that will not detract time or attention away from my family. School has been in session since mid-July, and I needed something to do with my days while they are at school and DH is at work. I chose charity work.
Seeing as how I am only working 12 hours a week at this point, I have all the time in the world to do what I want these days. I work on Mon/Tues/Thurs. Usually 9-12 or 10-1. DH works Mon-Thurs. He is off every weekend, so that is automatically family time. He has cookie cutter and flexible hours. I have a lunch date with him at least twice times a week. Sometimes more. My daughter is in school from 9-3:00 Mon-Thurs and from 9-12:30 on Fri. At her school, 8:30-9, it is parent/child bonding time. We alternate spending that time with her. My son is in a nursery. Due to their regulations, he has to be there a minimum of three days a week. On my days off, he is with me.
I care about what he says and wants, but I am also a very strong-willed person. He knew that there was nothing he could say or do if I was using my personal funds for the beach house. I could have chosen to spin it like I needed something to call my own, and it would have had nothing to do with him. Instead of acting first, I listened to his concerns and arguments against it, presented my arguments in favour of it, and we came to an agreement after a lengthy discussion. I was not going to go over his head or do it behind his back. In the past, I would have and told him about it after. My ethical and honest efforts worked much better than my questionable tactics.