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Old 02-15-2010, 10:42 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520

I hate curve balls. So here I was, feeling better about everything and he goes and f's everything up for me again. Ok, so partially my doing as well but as I'm the one who wants the relationship to be more than friends and he just wants to be friends I'd hope he would be the one to say "stop, boundary crossing"...but no.

I went to IL again to visit with another friend who thought she was going into early labor. I let Elric know I'd be down there and we set up plans to get together. My friend, who then finds out she's not in labor, is just fine and I spend most of the weekend in my hotel, fine by me.

So at this point, I'm about 7 weeks pregnant, had some bleeding and the Dr. said, no sex, no orgasm, no penetration, etc. for at least 2 weeks. Elric came over Friday night and we hung out and watched an episode of a tv show on my laptop that he was telling me about. Ok, so maybe I should not have worn the low cut sweater that hugged my ample chest, and maybe he should not have been running his hand up and down my arm for the whole hour of the tv show. Long story short, we end up on the bed fooling around, of course he got a little more out of it than I did as neither of us wanted to hurt my baby. But for me, it was amazing anyway. He said things which the next day (no he didn't spend the night even though I offered as it was late) he amended, didn't take back, just explained what he meant better.

Sunday was horrible for me. I think he was feeling guilty at not being able to contain himself Friday night that he needed to explain and justify how he felt about me again and again. But I am having a serious issue with his words when all of his actions say the opposite.

So, here I was, trying to get past what happened and what will 99% sure will never happen again no matter how much I want it to, and my pregnancy lays me out for almost an entire month and a half with exhaustion. It took me two days to drive home and I crashed the moment I got there and stayed that way for the next few weeks. And of course, with all this time on my hands and not even the energy to log onto my laptop, what am I going to do? Think about Elric and what happened and what it means and etc...

I try to bring it up again, when I'm finally able to try to ask him about it, he brushes me off by saying he hasn't even had time to think about it and what he has said is what he means, no matter how his body and impulse may have betrayed that. He feels shame and remorse for accidentally making me think he wanted more than he says. Then he goes on to say that he feels hurt that I have to keep bringing it up and that I'm not validating his feelings.

At that point I basically go off on him in IM (where we do most of our actual talking). He comes back and says that he has to log off for a while before he has an anxiety attack but we will talk about it later after we have cooled down. After spending the next several hours crying in Cajun's arms, I sent Elric an email telling him, "I am done." That I just couldn't do this anymore, not only because of the stress it was causing me and now my baby, but because I did not want to loose our friendship and I could feel the tension and anger trying to rip it apart.

And this time, I will follow through to the best of my abilities. If we are ever alone together, I will do my best to keep my boundaries in tact even if he can't.

Now, I am trying to mend that re-torn heart and decide, once again, what do I really want and need to make me happy. What I fear the most right now is that I am truly the type of person where absence makes the heart grow fonder, and with each passing day I just miss him more and more, even though we talk on line. I want to spend time with him to get used to him in a friendship status again as I had started after my week in IL. I would be happy just getting this intense feeling to decrease to a simple crush if I could but I don't know how to do that without being around him.

And then, to cap it all off, Cajun takes me out to a really nice dinner for V-Day and even showed his rare romantic side by having some roses waiting at the restaurant for me. Being pregnant has started limited my clothing choices so he picks out that sweater that I wore the last time Elric and I were together. I thought, no problem. Boy was I wrong. I feel so guilty that my mind kept wandering to Elric and I could feel his hand on my arm all night! The guilt is truly from the fact that I am still wishing for more and that even for just one night, I couldn't not think of Elric. This was supposed to be a nice romantic evening for Cajun and me, and although is was nice and romantic, it was still dampened by my constant wayward mind and heart.

No advice really needed here. I guess I just needed a good venting which I haven't really been able to do. Thanks for reading though and if you want to comment or advise, feel free.
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
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