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Old 08-17-2013, 06:34 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,511

What the heck ....youre wired into a higher power and you asking us
cant you cast a spell on poor Derwood and make this better ? (
I so wish I could!!! However, I dont do such things. I believe in this little thing called Free Will.....
NICE.....a witch with a code or ethics

Does your husband or Bf ever you the old joke .."omg my wife/GF is such a seriously shes really a Witch. "

One might see your flexibility as not wanting to do the dirty work. Have you talked to your husband about all the things you're not doing but would like to...intentions ....the plans for the future ? Knowing that might help him make up his mind on how to proceed.
What would be the dirty work here? I am open to hearing what you have to say, just not sure I understand. I am not leaving him to just "figure it out", I am certainly participating in conversations and talking about things. But I just realize that, ultimately, he does need to figure out what is happening for him and why he feels the way he does. I am willing to help him with that as much as I can. Restricting my contact or activity with BF does not make it better for him, and he has said so. His issues are really around our relationship.
Putting the marriage DOWN. Realizing the shift in feeling ...appreciative love ..."longevity love" (if that makes sense) the obligatory or pity time an attention ....pacification. AS opposed to being in love. Many many have said the same thing " i love him/her but not in that way ANYMORE . Life too short for either of you to except less ...IMO.

With everything you written it sorta looks to me like you sort of have.
How so? I am poly. I have two men in my life. One of them is struggling, yes. Would it be better if I walked away from BF in favor of TB? Maybe in the short run. But that is what I have been doing for 17 years. And I would be choosing one over the other. I am choosing to stay, and do the work, and help us both through the process.
The impression from what Ive read had/have a 30 yr history with the BF. You dated ...where best friends since teenagers have an unbelievable bond and connection some might call "soul mates" I dont think you ever used that word but that was the tone. On the other hand your description and feeling for your husband are in stark contrast.
He's emotional weak, frequently in a puddle upon your return...dates and sex where done out of obligation or to pacify the poor guy. Love wasnt talked about til late in the thread and as a marker of what you've done or had put up with.

An example :
"But now we have kids and responsibilities to them, and we would really like to keep our family intact if we can."

Does your husband and BF read this thread ?(
I dont think either one of them has. I will ask them both if they would like to.
What did you find out ?

If she's been kept ed in the dark on your past poly relationships ....she might not take it well you hurting her father or the possible break up of the family
I agree. I had wanted to tell her soon after everything happened in the beginning. Just to set a precedent with her, about being honest about relationships, about not lying about where you are, etc. I felt it was a good thing to have in place with a 16yo girl. But BF was not ready for her to know (our kids are FB friends with each other, but not really "friends"), and then it became so challenging here at home that we decided to try and sort out what was happening before bringing her into the loop. She is very intelligent, and LGBT savvy, and open to having these types of discussions. But I want her Dad to feel like he is on board for that.
You mean you think she open to these types of discussions in a vacuum...talking about such things in general ...or as it applies to her struggling hurting father. you and the new BF and it's effect on the marriage and family...and the BF family as well ?
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