The best possible outcome that I fantasize and dream about. Is that I should talk with my wife, and open up to her about all my feelings and my thoughts on our marriage and our lives. And the end result being that she came to the decision that she was willing to accept my inclinations and be willing to allow for the presence of others in my life.. in my heart.. and hopefully even in hers!
But my wife, for all that I can determine is devoutly monogamous. She, puts me to shame with the level of devotion she has shown me all these years. I have.. NEVER questioned the love that my wife gives me. And at times it can feel like a burden to me. As I can not truely reciprocate.
She deserves so much more that what I can provide. And at times I have found myself, wishing and hoping that she would stray. That she would find someone else who could love her fully and as completely as she needed.
THAT would be the most ideal of situations in my mind. That we could remain together for the depth of the friendship that we have, and yet each be willing to let the other have those needed connections in life to enrichen our hearts and souls.
As far as Z and C go, my wife is most definitively straight. And I fear that she is decidedly mono as well. My worst fear is that should I open up about everything, that it would end up in a divorce. A divorce that would be a grueling and painfull process for her, myself, our children.. and for Z and C. They both know I am married and are aware of the nature of its intricacies.
Ultimately I have been, slowly gearing myself up for a long talk with my wife come the time that I should return home. I have, been praying and seeking guidance for some time on what It is that I should say, or COULD say to break this matter to her in the least painfull way possible.
As for as much as I know. The nature of the love that I have for my wife and Z and C. I honestly do not know I could bear to live without any of them. And yet in the end if I had to let one or more go I would. For at times life will yeild results beyond our power to influence or control.
If there is no Heart, the mind will never matter.