cats dead screeching
or nails across a chalk board is what some of the advice given sounds like, so I figured, since the dates are all off anyway, might as well offer another point of view
just in case someone other than the OP comes reading through and thinks "Hey that sounds like my situation, maybe trying what those forum people said will work for me?"
Since technically, the OP never did come back and post again or even read any responses, technically my response will be just as non-affecting as the others
for the OP
for any future readers I should point out that good grammar doesn't always equal sound advise.
Perhaps this will help (because it really is always situational)
While I do subscribe to the "exponential backoff" technique, it is not something that is a permanent route to take, is intended to be a remedy to keep couples together during the transition and after in regards to the opening up of a previously monogamous relationship.
I would stress that it is not meant to work for every couple, what it is intended to do is prevent transitioning couples from doing irreparable damage during the transition. From my perspective, many relationships that do not survive could have actually made it through, and my advice is geared towards keeping those relationships intact, than are capable of remaining intact
because once you and your SO have decided non-monogamy is a avenue you are going to use during this journey of life, there is no point in suffering through trying to go down this road together, if you don't have the right tools to come out together on the other side
you might as well break up now and save yourself the agony
just make sure you keep your eyes open and observe, because you can learn a lot from other people's mistakes, and the first thing you'll notice in real life is, that poly people are not any more knowledgeable about what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship than your run of the mill mono
so don't go buying into anybody's patented system.
In general, a SO will not deal well with non-monogamy sprung on them when you already have someone in mind. And that is not something that you will be able hide, but that shouldn't really matter as if the relationship you are already in is really healthy enough to survive the monogamy to non-monogamy transition, your SO will know about all your crushes because people really do share their lives with their spouses or bf/gf as that is what people who care for and enjoy each other's company, do.
So to those of you who bring up "poly" after the guy at work asks you out, just know that you can pretty much kiss that potential "other" good bye, as it will cost you your previously existing relationship.
Blackdog however, from their writing, has informed us that they had been discussing polyamory for over a year.
This is not a case of springing polyamory on your partner because you met someone that you think you like, or worse that you just want to fuck, because if that is the case you had better inform your partner that it is just about sex in which case "casual sex" is what you are looking for,
in any event, you need to do some serious thinking about what you know you want in your life, because if you are not sure and you cannot be 100% completely honest with your partner, trying any form of non-monogamy will destroy your relationship, doesn't matter if your just a glory holer or want to be sister wives poly, when you love someone or someone is in love with you, any close friendships outside of the relationship will tend to cause problems, often it doesn't even need to include a sexual aspect, dishonesty is enough by itself to destroy any serious relationship.
Take however long you need to figure out if you need to be unrestricted in your love for others, and if you are sure you need to be in any kind of an open relationship (even if it is only with two people and no more) you need to be blunt with your girlfriend, and ask her if it is because of work, or if it is the whole idea and she will find a reason every time
If she says really does want to go down the non-monogamy road, and she seriously is having panic attacks even when you are very patient, considerate, and always practicing loving caring behavior, then she needs to see a counselor and will probably need a prescription for valium, because if that doesn't work you will need to respectfully end the relationship
Personally I find that most people who should first try being honest with themselves before pretending to need valium, but most are adamant they are living as honest as they absolutely can, and to be honest, very rarely is it the case that they are being honest with you, which translates to you having to leave them if you want to have healthy relationships
Decide whether you need to be intimately involved with more than one, but do it responsibly, if she can't handle it you will have to decide to give up intimacy with others, or else leave her, but either way, if you practice honesty, whatever you choose will be the right answer.
I sense sarcasm CDark, if so, why?
Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-16-2013 at 07:37 PM.