I'm a mess
Nisha, I love her to bits. Every bit of her I love and I'm crazy over her. I know it, I feel it and I can't imagine my life without her. The thought of losing her kills me. And yet, I hurt her with stupid things. She says that we haven't been having much sex the past few months, or that when we do it's usually her who initiates. And I wouldn't say that's a 100% true, but my sex drive has dropped.
Some nights I wouldn't respond to her moves, I just wanted to sleep. That's not at all like me normally. At the same time, I couldn't stop eyeing every other girl around me. I realised that I was somehow feeling less attracted to Nisha and looking for sex elsewhere.
Nisha noticed that I wasn't going down on her anymore. I noticed it too, I had stopped enjoying it. I thought it might have had something to do with her gaining some weight and I felt terrible for that. Nisha's not even close to being anywhere near obese or unattractive. She's a very pretty girl, with beautiful eyes and mmm, those perfect tits.
But here's the thing. Even though I was initiating sex with Nisha less and I had stopped going down on her, I was ready to do everything with Kelsey. And I enjoyed it! It was new and it was hot. And when I told Nisha about it, she was very hurt that I gave somebody else something I hadn't given her in a long time. Who wouldn't be upset with something like that?
We've had long heated conversations about this since I returned home. It's sad because I missed Nisha so much while I was away from her. It's sad that I love her so much but my sexual attraction for her had dropped so much.
Is that really love? How can it be? Is this a phase? Is this something that all couples face 8 years into their relationship? Is the passion really finally slowly dying or is it just that we've both had a lot on our minds lately and that's affected us? Or am I really so shallow as I never thought I was, and am affected by a little gain in weight?
In my mind and heart, I know there's only Nisha for me. But it seems like my actions say something different. I'm not sure what we should do, if this problem lies within me alone or if she has some part to play in it. This drop in libido is going to seriously affect our relationship.
Nisha suggested that we continue living together as friends, that way we can have each other's company and friendship and we're still free to have sex with who we want. But there's no way I can do that, I can't stop feeling for her as I do now and just be friends living in different rooms in the same house. No way. I was surprised she thought I'd find that a good idea.
Last night Nisha and I slept together again and we kissed long and deep before going to sleep. She knows that I love her, I know she loves me. She's scared that I would leave her because of her looks, but at the same time I think she knows that I wouldn't do that. I'm scared that she might take me or my desires for granted and that my drive will eventually drop to zero. Maybe we just need some time off...