View Single Post
  #8  
Old 08-15-2013, 01:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,808
Default

Our biggest issue? Our sex life is dying.
  • Partly because we are in this routine of gentle supportive love only (Could change the routine)
  • partly because his libido is lower than mine (he could get a check up, esp if he is of andropause age)
  • and partly because I am considering that I may actually be gay rather than bi. (Sounds more like NRE to me. But if it turns out you are more gay than bi... then it seems you have to let him go as a "lover/BF" and allow it to change to "friends.")

Quote:
I really feel like I'm in love with her because I don't know how else to explain this infatuation and this pulling, urging, and even altruistic need to make her happy and help her in every way that I can.
It can be explained with "it is infatuation, NRE, a crush." It's the brain chemistry. If you want to pursue it, keep being around her. You want it to die down? Stop dating her.

Quote:
I have been honest with everyone about everything and now I find myself in a long term relationship with a man and dating a woman with whom I feel like I have serious life-long potential. I'm pretty sure that makes me polyamorous but I think both of them are mono and I feel like I'm being, well, kinda greedy.
What behavior leads you to conclude that they are each actually (monoamorous and monogamous)? And you are asking them to be in a polyship that they really don't want to be in? Are you observing/noticing mixed messages? They say they want to be there, but then act differently?

If they are both monoamorous (desire or capacity to love only one at a time) and they are willing to be in a polyship with you as the hinge person who is the shared sweetie... then you are in a polyship and you are the hinge with fully willing people.

Did they say they are willing to participate in a polyship like this? Is their expectation the same as yours -- a serious life long potential "V" polyship thing?
Or are their expectations something different? Is he expecting that you will date a while and "get it out of your system?" Is she expecting that you will date a while and "realize she has to dump him?"

You could ask them what their expectations are. You could ask them if they match your vision. Actually TALK to your partners and figure out how you all agree to be together and are all on the same page.

Quote:
I love them both intensely but differently. He doesn't understand that, he needs to be the best, to be loved the 'most', to be the one and only primary. But on the other hand, she needs and deserves commitment and stability and not to be drug along the sidelines.
This does not sound like everyone agrees on the open model relationship you are trying to practice and all are willing and happy to participate in a polyship with you as the hinge.

Is he/she having poly hell? Is he/she struggling with jealousy? Are you doing page 5 and 6 things with BOTH your people? Are you heading toward pitfalls?

Quote:
I feel like I'm the middle man in this juggling act and the uncertainty of where my relationships stand is stressing the heck out of me.
You are the hinge who has to keep both partners in mind when you choose to do things. If not knowing where you relationships stand is causing you stress? You could ask each partner where they stand so you can KNOW.
  • BF, where do (you and I) stand? Are you willing to be with me? And in the polyship... are you willing to be with me in a polyship too? Or JUST me? What is your preference?
  • GF, where do (you and I) stand? Are you willing to be with me? And in the polyship... are you willing to be with me in a polyship too? Or JUST me? What is your preference?

You already know you want to be with each. And that you also want to be in a polyship. But that's 1 person's preferences, not all 3. Could ask the questions you need to ask. If you are afraid to ask? Ask anyway.

Quote:
I'm asking for a bit of advice here. In the mono-centric world my options are dump her, dump him, or dump them both. But here my options are much greater.
To me the option is still the same -- you talk it out with your people and sort it out.

You could not avoid having the hard conversations you need to be having to assess the viability of this arrangement. If you spot potential conflict, could do conflict resolution.

If he is not willing and able to be there in polyship with joy in his heart? He's doing it "for you" rather than for himself and is simmering in resentment? He is not looking out for his best interests by not having the convo and and neither are you looking out for your partner by not having the convo.

If she is not willing and able to be there in polyship with joy in her heart? She's doing it "for you" and not for herself and is simmering in fears she's going to get thrown by the way side at some point? She is not looking out for her best interests by not having the convo and neither are you looking out for your partner by not having the convo.

If you are noticing people are unhappy and noticing YOU are stressy? You are not looking out for your emotional health and mental health by not having the convo. That adds to the stress, not take away from the stress.

You could take the initiative and talk to them then and not turn a blind eye. You could sit your people down and everyone lay out their wants, needs, and limits.

If the outcome is that things are not compatible here to be healthy polyship? And people don't all want to BE in polyship? You all could accept this isn't a runner, and you could break up with one or the other or both.

If the outcome is that they DO want to be in polyship but just don't like how it's running right now and/or need to grow some skills? You could all come to agreement on what changes to try next to see if that runs better.

Quote:
I have no idea how this can or will work out but I have to give it a shot because, at this point, losing either one of them will be painful and I like to hope there's some other way.
Could not link these two things together. Deal with them one at a time.

Quote:
I have no idea how this can or will work out but I have to give it a shot.
Cool. See if they are willing to give it a shot in a healthy way with you. TALK.

Because your 100% is only 33% of the fuel to run this polyship. It won't run just on your power. You don't have to have the whole thing figured out ahead of time -- that is impossible. But you do have to assess that ALL players are willing and able to be here in this with you and are on the same page for what open model you practice at this time and how you agree to treat each other in that model. If all 3 are putting in time/energy/effort? Alright. It might work out in the end.

Quote:
losing either one of them will be painful and I like to hope there's some other way.
Yes, breaking up sometimes painful. Yes, to hope there is another way is nice. So... play ball!

Talk and sort it out. Don't NOT talk just because you fear the answer might be "this polyship cannot fly like this and my partners are no long willing to participate."

Could get on with the show and move it forward while hoping for the best. Could focus on "hope" rather than "loss."

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2013 at 02:02 PM.
Reply With Quote