Hi all, I'm 30, mostly straight, living in Winnipeg, Canada. I was raised in a deeply Christian home and tried my best to live as an obedient child of God. When I was 22, I got married to a girl who was funny, very intelligent, and really 'got me' in a way that others didn't. I wasn't physically attracted to her, but I was convinced (thank you, political correctness movement!) that looks didn't matter and it was only what's on the inside that counted. I suppose I also had self-esteem issues and didn't think that attractive girls found me attractive.
Well about 9 months later a couple attractive girls found me attractive, and suddenly there were problems, or rather, the problems that weren't problems before, suddenly became problems, and I left. I won't go into detail about that except to say that I know now that what I want matters. I think I was raised with a lot of pressure to keep everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. I still end up in situations where I feel I'm giving too much of myself. I think I also sometimes overcompensate for that and do what I want without consideration for others. I'm still trying to learn the right balance.
The next 6 years were full of fun, short but sweet NRE dominated relationships, (partly due to a lot of moving around the country on my part) all mono, except for the odd time that they might overlap without anyone knowing.
Two years ago I decided that it was time I found a good gal to settle down with, and after a few exhausting months of about 30 first dates, met S, a beautiful 28 year old virgin with an eating disorder and a heart of gold. My parents even liked her. We dated for almost a year before I got bored, or she got too clingy... whatever you want to call it. I told her I wanted to sleep with other women. So we split up, and each started meeting new people, and sometimes got back together for a night or two. Around this time I started thinking that polyamory was the only way I would be able to stay with a partner and be satisfied.
Soon I met H: 20, blonde, beautiful, cold and quiet, the kind of girl you just assume is a total bitch. She wasn't, but she liked that people thought she was. I started seeing her almost every night. We both claimed that our relationship was only casual, but it was obvious that there was a little more to it than that.
I would still see S once in a while, telling myself that technically me and H were only casual so it was ok, but didn't tell H, because I thought it would upset her. Eventually I did tell H, who was annoyed at my selective openness, but assured me that we had agreed our relationship was only casual, and that she had already suspected S had been over... (S had left a hair tie on my windowsill one day. I actually noticed it after H had already been over the next night, but decided to leave it, figuring that moving it would be more suspicious.)
So, feeling a little sheepish, but with nothing left to hide, I started seeing S more regularly, and soon I had two casual girlfriends, who I would spend alternate nights with. I have to admit, I was quite proud of myself. But neither of them was happy about sharing. This was frustrating for me. They were both smart, funny, beautiful girls and I thought for sure they would get along if they met, and I hoped that I could help them to appreciate the other's presence in my life.
One night, I got my chance. They met, they got along, and I spent the night as an elated middle spoon in a very warm bed! Nothing sexual happened, just kissing, but it appeared that things might progress. Unfortunately...
I wish I'd known then how important communication is in a situation like this. Both had preconceived notions about what was going to happen that night. The girls had a private discussion that I wasn't privy too and made a deal that I didn't know about, then I managed to sabotage their deal and S ended up crying on the phone to me later the next day. I panicked, thinking my only option was to choose one of the two, and I chose S.
H was obviously pissed, because she really hadn't done anything wrong.
I told S I wanted to have an open relationship with her, and she reluctantly agreed to try it. Over the next couple months, I slept with one other girl, a couple times, but never told S about it. S broke it off anyways, saying she wanted a partner that would be monogamous.
I still sleep with S about once every week or two, and we still love each other, and sometimes we talk about buying a house and living in it as friends... who occasionally sleep together... every night... except when I have another girl over, and/or until she finds a guy she wants to date, at which point I would get cut off. I'm not sure I like that arrangement, it doesn't seem ideal for anyone, but I do love S and would love to convert her to polyamory if it's possible, so I'm not sure what we'll do there.
As I said before, I started out as a Christian, going to church every Sunday, playing drums in the worship team, taking the Bible to be literal truth, losing my virginity at 20 and feeling a little guilty about it because I wasn't married to the girl yet. I remember the first time I had any thoughts that something might be wrong with how I was raised. I was in grade 6 and told my friends that God made everything in 6 days and that the Big Bang was a ridiculous theory, after which one told me about the background radiation (I was in the gifted class) that pointed to a Big Bang. I was confused and embarrassed, and was sure to ask my dad, a Baptist minister, about it when I got home... The unlearning continued slowly from there, but I was still going to church regularly until a few years after my divorce.
This past summer after a number of years on the agnostic fence, I placed one foot firmly in the atheist camp. If I had to guess as to what the truth about God and the Universe is, I would say that there is no God, that He/it was created by humans to give meaning and purpose to our lives. That we are the effect of some rational cosmic cause, as much as the formation of a star or the rotting of an apple. That life has no purpose beyond reproduction. That consciousness is one of the most incredible illusions that non-sentient matter has come up with. That there is no absolute morality.
You might call me nihilist, or humanist, ... I'm not sure what the right label would be, if there is one. I am in the process of determining my own morality at this point. I'm not bound by the rules of any culture or subculture anymore. It's wonderful to have this freedom. And it means I can be unapologetic about wanting to be polyamorous, or bisexual, or atheist. (thinking about my parents here, mostly.)
So anyway, that's where I am, where I come from, and who knows where I'm going. I've been on this forum for only a couple days but I'm loving it. So many good intelligent people in these forums. Thank you for sharing your time with me.