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Old 08-14-2013, 11:53 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 87
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What the heck ....youre wired into a higher power and you asking us

cant you cast a spell on poor Derwood and make this better ? (
I so wish I could!!! However, I dont do such things. I believe in this little thing called Free Will.....


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
One might see your flexibility as not wanting to do the dirty work. Have you talked to your husband about all the things youre not doing but would like to...intentions ....the plans for the future ? Knowing that might help him make up his mind on how to proceed. (
What would be the dirty work here? I am open to hearing what you have to say, just not sure I understand. I am not leaving him to just "figure it out", I am certainly participating in conversations and talking about things. But I just realize that, ultimately, he does need to figure out what is happening for him and why he feels the way he does. I am willing to help him with that as much as I can. Restricting my contact or activity with BF does not make it better for him, and he has said so. His issues are really around our relationship.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
With everything you written it sorta looks to me like you sort of have. (
How so? I am poly. I have two men in my life. One of them is struggling, yes. Would it be better if I walked away from BF in favor of TB? Maybe in the short run. But that is what I have been doing for 17 years. And I would be choosing one over the other. I am choosing to stay, and do the work, and help us both through the process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Does your husband and BF read this thread ?(
I dont think either one of them has. I will ask them both if they would like to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Why dont you think you have to.... because neither guy is forcing that ...or something higher ? (
[QUOTE=dingedheart;221949]I guess I feel like I dont have to choose because I am poly. And neither one of them is asking me to. No higher purpose there... hehe.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think its good that you tried to explain this. In my own situation my wife (probably having read somewhere ) that verbal reassurance was important or helpful. It might be ...it could be if both parties have the same meaning of love. So in my case it was a little confusing at first. Then after I asked for clarification I'd say it wasn't helpful ...or something I wanted to hear so I asked her to stop saying those things. (
So true. I am not sure that me explaining my side of things is helping him very much. We have found that we often have different words for things, and this is one of the reasons why I have wanted counseling, to help us with the communication piece. We can each explain something that we feel is completely clear and obvious, and the other person just doesnt get it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
If she's been kept ed in the dark on your past poly relationships ....she might not take it well you hurting her father or the possible break up of the family
I agree. I had wanted to tell her soon after everything happened in the beginning. Just to set a precedent with her, about being honest about relationships, about not lying about where you are, etc. I felt it was a good thing to have in place with a 16yo girl. But BF was not ready for her to know (our kids are FB friends with each other, but not really "friends"), and then it became so challenging here at home that we decided to try and sort out what was happening before bringing her into the loop. She is very intelligent, and LGBT savvy, and open to having these types of discussions. But I want her Dad to feel like he is on board for that.

Thanks for your feedback!

Willow
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Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori


Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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