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Old 08-14-2013, 09:54 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I am sorry. I see that you are upset.

That's a lot to take in and I don't even know if my response will help you. At least you know your thing was read. Sigh.

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So… How have you all started realizing that you were NM/poly/swingers/open/etc?
Always knew it. Didn't always have the word "polyamorous" for it -- but I've always loved many at once. To me "polyamorous" means the desire or capacity to love more than one at a time. To me, "monoamorous" is the desire or capacity to love only one at a time.

"Monogamous" is describes the relationship shape to me. I am polyamorous. I could choose to sign up to be in a monoship. A monoamorous person could sign up to be in a monoship or be a "V" arm in a polyship. They still only love their one sweetie.

A (monoamorous AND monogamous) person is not going to want to be in any polyship, not even as a V arm person. They will want a closed 2 people and ONLY ever 2 people shape thing.

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Are you with a partner now that you were once monogamous with?
We are currrently closed.

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Did you both become NM together?
I used to be a hinge, he was one of the V arms. Life went on, we closed for parenting time. If we open again, we'll know it when we get there. But he knew before ever even dating me that I come the way I am. He is monoamorous -- or thinks he is. But he's poly-friendly in the sense that being in polyship doesn't bother him. This is not a case of one or the other "discovering this" about self after getting together.

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You can’t be cheated on if you consented to multiple partners and you think you’ve met all of your SO’s partners, right?
Whether the context is a monoship or a polyship? Doesn't matter. It is still cheating to break agreements you agreed to uphold in your relationship, regardless of the relationship shape or # of players. It is more honest to give your people the heads up and renegotiate agreements or end them up front than to break the agreements behind their backs and keep them in the dark. If anything, when the polymath breaks down... the more players could take hit points by the cheating.

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Can anyone relate to having been cheated on by someone who felt hurt by you?
Never been cheated on. I would not appreciate it. If I hurt a partner unknowingly, I expect them to call me into account and make me aware. Not go adding to the problems by cheating on me.

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Where they did not cheat out of sexual desire, but out of the feeling of thinking they were not loved by you and that someone else convinced them that they love your SO more truthfully than you do?
So she says "I had no sexual desire for him. I cheated on you and had sex with him because I thought you did not love me and he said he loved me more than you. " The solution to "I don't feel you love me" was not "Talk to my partner about unmet needs" but "go have an affair?" and she tripped and fell into his bed? Repeatedly? Does that mean she has no control over her loins? Her emotions? She just passes the buck?

Sigh. This may be hard to hear -- but that stuff just won't wash with me.

Mistakes can happen, but they stop at a kiss, a hug. Maybe one time sex. Carried away. Who knows. But one can pull back and go "Wait. I am not free to pursue this like this" and go home to check in. You don't REPEATEDLY cheat "by mistake." Then it's just doing it on purpose or avoiding responsibility like "Screwed up already... may as well keep on now!"

She didn't own up to it ASAP like a mistake. She kept it hidden and kept going back for more. Now that she's caught? By you and the wife she didn't know existed? I think she could be white-washing as best she can to you or to herself or both.

She sounds like she's got a lot of emotional problems herself including not being willing to take emotional responsibility for her choices/conduct.

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Part of the way I got over what she did includes learning about non-monogamy. I am not saying that being NM or Poly is at all equal to cheating. Honesty is the cornerstone of poly and I get that. However, if I tell myself she was just exploring urges to be NM/poly (since it isn’t a secret to me now) that I am now ok with what went down.
Is that you telling yourself "When she slept with him repeatedly and kept it hidden from me she was just exploring urges to be nonmonogamous/poly" like you are whitewashing it to yourself? It's still not her doing ethical monogamy. It's not doing ethical non-monogamy/polyshipping. When do the ethics come into play for you? Do you believe you deserve ethics, honesty, and truthiness in your relationships?

I don't think you are "over it" hon. I think you want to be, but are not.

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I know that I can heal emotionally and move on to any future. I’d be happy to continue having a monogamous relationship with her. I enjoy our time together no matter what.
Are you having fun and enjoying your time together right now? Doesn't seem like it to me.

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If she decides that she needs to stop dating me as well as cut him off then I understand.
So... are you lukewarm about being here? I cannot tell where you are at. It's like you don't want to rock the boat for fear she will dump you.

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She isn’t sure she can stay with me because I remind her of how bad of a person she was for cheating. She isn’t sure if maybe she needs to walk away from the whole thing and not even have a relationship to heal.
Not very decisive sounding. I am not getting the vibe of "Yes. I want to be with you. I am willing to be with you. I am willing to put in the work required to try return to right relationship."

Was he supposed to be the stepping stone dude? And he didn't pan out? So now you are being kept as a spare? But she feels guilty for using you? What's going on here? Like she doesn't want to be the one to break it up, but secretly hopes YOU will do it? Ugh. Crazymaking.

You could be treated WAY better than this. By her. AND by you.

She could have broken up with you and then see him but didn't do that back then. She cheated on you instead. Repeatedly.

She could NOW break up with you to spare you more lalalalalas. But doesn't. So it is neither here nor there.

Have you suggested do you guys just end this and take time out and time apart to heal? And after time apart and healing, if you choose to build something NEW together at THAT time, deal with it THEN?

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I’ve been able to heal and come to terms with the fact that I might still lose her now. I told her I’m even ok at this point if she still wanted to date both of us.
This is not you entering into polyship with joy in your heart with stable poly partners. This sounds more like you bargaining... and you entering into wonky polyship from fear of "losing her."

I would NOT suggest you polyship with her and the cheater dude or anyone else. He's wonky and she's wonky herself in other ways. That isn't you looking out for your best interests and entering into a healthy polyship with healthy stable trustworthy people from the best foundations.

It's just signing up for crazy town. The odds of it working out in the long run are not zero, but they are not high either. Don't ADD to your problems. TAKE AWAY from your problems.

Rather than start something NEW at this time? Could put energy into cleaning up the OLD first. Could also read this:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/ and really, realistically assess if BOTH OF YOU
  • are willing to try again? Excited joyful YES! And not lukewarm meh yes?
  • are ABLE to monoship together in trustworthy, honorable ways or learn the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills to do so? Or is this more shenanigans?
  • are able to be in a HEALTHY relationship? Or this is just bad for your healths?

I believe in 2nd chances, but at the same time... I believe in buyer beware. This is a a time of discernment -- so sort it out carefully.

Could not make life choices while impaired or under high emotion.

Could take a time out and def go get STD labs for your own physical health. People have been lying here.

Could get your own counselor to sort your mental and emotional health out.

Could go do what you do to tend to your spiritual health. You are responsible for your own well being.

Again, I'm sorry you endure this. It's not fun at all.

It's up to you how you want to proceed from here and if you want to try trusting her again. You are the one living this reality. Could choose well. We are free to choose. But we are not free from the consequences of our choices.

I'll hope for a good outcome and that things for you improve.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2013 at 02:03 AM.
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