She has not been speaking to him for 2 months. She knew it was wrong to be behind my back and ended it for me. However, she says she still has feelings for him even though she never stopped loving me. Before I read about NM/poly I couldnít understand that. Now I do. I feel like it truly was normal that I noticed other girls. She has a problem with me not only having eyes for her. From how she feels now, I imagine she is entirely monogamous at this point. Iíve been telling her about these alternative love lifestyles that exist. I told her they helped me get over it. However, Iím afraid I immediately give her the impression that Iím ok with it because maybe I always did want to be with other girls too.
The truth is; Iím still hurt a little bit if I see her use her phone. Remember, I found out she cheated using her phone. Her co-worker lives out of state. However, she has been to his state and I know they have had sex many times. Sheís sent him pictures that originally made me want to die. Iím still learning to be ok with it. I want to never feel jealousy again. Iím getting closer every day to being like thatÖ Thanks to internet discussions such as these.
So you are probably wondering why Iím saying all this. WellÖ I just want to know how the rest of you got started. Were you born knowing you would never be monogamous? Did you start with monogamy and have it end badly and then come to this? I am curious if some people are only NM/poly out of the fear of being cheated on. You canít be cheated on if you consented to multiple partners and you think youíve met all of your SOís partners, right?
Iím not saying that Iím even sure Iím NM/poly/open. I think there is a chance that I might be. However, I still do love the girl Iíve described above. We are still together as monogamous people.
She later found out that the guy she was cheating on me with had lied to her. He told her he was divorced for 2 years. He is still married. The wife found out about her and called her. He didnít have the balls to fess up. My girlfriend isnít the first girl heís been with behind his wifeís back. She knew of 7 others. So my girlfriend is dealing with the pain of breaking her cardinal rule (donít cheat and lie) as well as being duped by the exact type of guy she always feared I would be to her. I feel so fucking bad for her that I donít have any pain of my own over what happened. She has yet to feel stable enough to have the conversation with him to tell him how angry she is. I got jealous when I saw her on her phone skyping him last night. She even pointed the phone cam at me and I couldnít even speak looking face to face with the guy. I didnít know what to say.
I know that I can heal emotionally and move on to any future. Iíd be happy to continue having a monogamous relationship with her. I enjoy our time together no matter what. If she decides that she needs to stop dating me as well as cut him off then I understand. She isnít sure she can stay with me because I remind her of how bad of a person she was for cheating. She isnít sure if maybe she needs to walk away from the whole thing and not even have a relationship to heal.
Thanks to reading about NM/poly for the last 5 days, Iíve been able to heal and come to terms with the fact that I might still lose her now. I told her Iím even ok at this point if she still wanted to date both of us. Remember how nice I told you she is? She recognizes that the other guy has emotional problems. He was recently held in the psyche ward at a hospital for cutting himself straight up both arms. She doesnít want to yell at him yet because she wants him to come out ok too. He lied to her, cheated on her, made her feel like a whore and she wants to help him. I could never claim to be so considerate. I admire her for that strength.
SoÖ How have you all started realizing that you were NM/poly/swingers/open/etc? Are you with a partner now that you were once monogamous with? Did you both become NM together? I want to hear both the good and the bad stories.
Mainly, Iíd like to hear any relation to the situation I am currently in. Can anyone relate to having been cheated on by someone who felt hurt by you? Where they did not cheat out of sexual desire, but out of the feeling of thinking they were not loved by you and that someone else convinced them that they love your SO more truthfully than you do?
Does it sound like I may actually be poly? Feel free to ask questions about anything. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I had to talk about it with someone and I feel like this is the best place.