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Old 08-13-2013, 06:27 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 86
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What exactly does flexible mean in this.

Doesn't integrate mean accept the new reality.
Yes, I suppose it does. He has always known I was poly. We have gone to poly weekends for years. I have met people online, and met them in person. Not much came of it though. I have had some small, insignificant (onenight) experiences with women, have only pursued dating women in the past because I always knew having a relationship with another man would be difficult for him. He is very threatened by it.

This relationship took me by surprise. But it is a "gamechanger" for me. I will not give it up. I cannot give it up. BF and I are supposed to be together. That is not even a question. TB is also clear on that point, he has never asked me to give him up, does not want me to. He just needs to figure out how to not fall apart...

My flexibility? I guess that means I continue to stay and try, to listen, to give TB time to work this out. I am not going out and just doing what I want (dating BF as much as I want, having a sexual relationship, making plans for the future for us to be together, etc). However, I will also not walk away from someone who needs me just as much as he does, and someone I need in my life. No, I will not choose between them, And I dont have to. HE can choose if he feels he needs to though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Early in the tread you talked about the reasons you both want to stay together ...responsibilities, family, etc ...it wasnt til this last post you talked about love.
Have you discussed familial love verses passionate love. Loving someone vs..being in love.
Yes, we have. I have tried to explain that (for ME), my love for him is different, more comfortable because we have been together for so long. We have history, years of living and loving together, children and shared experiences. My feelings for BF are more NRE right now, which is normal and understandable. This is hard for him to hear, because he wants me to feel the same way for him, he wants to have NRE with me again. I dont know how to make that happen, or IF it can happen. I can only love how I love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You mentioned your kids ...how old are they and what do they know....and or what do you plan to tell them?
Kids are 16, 6, and 2. All girls. The 2yo is often with me when BF and I get together for lunch or hanging at the playground. She knows him well and is comfortable with him. But she is just 2. The others, they know nothing, except the 16yo is bright and intuitive and probably knows more than she lets on. We have chosen to not talk with them yet for many reasons, including not wanting them to know how much Dad is struggling right now. Im not sure he could sit through that conversation without his heart being all over his sleeve.
Our 6yo has a big mouth If anything I would probably just emphasize that BF is my best friend and we care about each other. The older one I would always answer any question she has honestly. I believe in giving an honest answer when asked directly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think you made a good decision on going to therapy...I wish you both luck in that process.
Thank you. I believe we have too. I am hoping that having a neutral third party will help him work through the emotions he is feeling and get to the root of the matter, whatever that is for him. And that we can move forward in a positive and loving way for all.
__________________
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori


Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...

Last edited by nycindie; 08-14-2013 at 02:26 AM. Reason: Fixed formatting of quotes
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