Interesting thread! I'm going to jump in with some of my thoughts,
I am sharing this based on the view of a couple considering themselves as the primary relationship.
One of the phrases that is used a lot on poly dating sites is "no drama" meaning- we are looking for a partner or partners with no drama. I think this is an important concept when it comes to talking about not liking a metamour.
I think the first part of this is to decide what is unacceptable drama for us? Take time to define it and become somewhat clear about it so that when it comes up there will be a frame of reference. So from now one when I use the word drama I am not defining it for you - you have to define it for yourselves and the definition itself can evolve through time.
Simply not liking a metamour could be a variety of things.
It could be:
Mirror stuff- you don't like them because they remind you of yourself and it's almost a competition because you are so alike
Shadow stuff- you don't like them because they have traits that you actually have but you have disowned those traits within yourself for some reson so therefore you are uncomfortable with seeing those traits in someone else.
You perceive that they are hurting you- which in reality could be that they are just "being themselves" Or........they could be intentionally trying to hurt you.
In most cases people are just "doing their own thing"
Richard and I have a "three strikes you're out" approach to drama between one of us and a metamour and it has worked pretty well for us.
We have good communication between us, so when a drama happens with a metamour, we work in seeing if it can be resolved with cooperation from the metamour.
If it doesn't seem to be something that can be resolved, we discuss and see if we agree that this was in fact what we would consider unacceptable drama that has negatively affected us and our relationship. and if we agree then we have a......strike one.
If that process is repeated two more times then the relationship is ended- period.
We consider that we have a primary relationship and it is the most important relationship to us.
And - from the other side- I would support this view if held by a couple I am dating and they were perceiving me to be causing drama in their lives. Seriously- who wants that?
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Last edited by idealist; 08-13-2013 at 03:30 PM.