View Single Post
Old 02-13-2010, 03:25 AM
fargahar fargahar is offline
New Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 1
Default New to this whole thing.....

Hi. I am hoping to find some different perspectives from someone who might understand or be able to help me process this....

I have a new girlfriend of 6 months and she is in a relationship with another woman whom she has been together with for 10 years. Today was their 10 year anniversary and I am so very inspired by their love together. I adore them both as individuals and a couple. But this morning, I was struck with a horrible feeling of insignificance as I saw that she posted a Happy Anniversary status update on her facebook. I suddenly realized that I would never get that from her. Her family is super religious and has only now 10 years later kind of accepted that she is a lesbian. Her current girlfriend is someone who was a friend of the family years before they ever dated. She has made it clear that she is never going to tell her family that she is a) polyamorous and b) that she is in a relationship with me nor am I allowed to (at least in the public facebook/interweb forum and in person if her family is around) to act like I am her girlfriend. In her everyday personal life around her everyday friends, everyone knows about me and there are no secrets. I come from a completely different place in regards to my family. There are no secrets. I tell them everything, it doesn't always make them happy but they love me anyways. I come from a place of openness and honesty in that regard. The fact that she can just openly and publicly declare her love for one (her girlfriend) but not me (the other girlfriend) makes me feel very sad.

My girlfriend and I have been having a very open honest dialogue about this and she is sorry that it is the way that it is but she is so afraid of losing her family because she did lose them for a very long time. I do not want to cause her to lose her family and it isn't that I need her to tell her parents. I could not live with that because I know it would crush her. I also know that she loves me very much. But I feel hurt by this......what is anyone's advice? I am just struggling to not let this make me feel like a less significant part of her life. I sometimes feel like I am some dirty secret.

(I really do hope that no one feels the need to point out that I shouldn't care about facebook whatever.....but its not about that I hope you see. Its about a bigger issue. The facebook just sort of triggered the dialogue we needed to have.....I just need some advice if anyone has it.)
Reply With Quote