Originally Posted by Gibson
The last conversation I had with N was about not specifically kink, but more about her desires to be able to express her feelings for other people. Woah...not the conversation we were having a week earlier. If this is how she is feeling, ok then, but I'm starting to feel a bit ambushed...all things considered. So I try to ask her about what she does want. She says, more than friends, but beyond that she doesn't know. I press her for details (do you want to date, hold hands, kiss, have a boyfriend), but she just gets mad at me every time I ask for specifics. She does not seem to desire sex with other people...so I know her desires don't extend quite into the poly discussions that I see on this board, but I remain confused. I can't agree to something if I don't know what I am agreeing to.
It sounds to me like N wants intimacy and the freedom to explore it. I've had this discussion before with someone who was trying to make me define and be specific and kept trying to say it was "sex" and I remember feeling irritated and trapped, too. I'm not going to argue with the definition others put on poly, just going to say that, for me, the freedom to explore intimacy where it arises is what poly is about. (Again, for me.) The OP, understandably wants to feel safe and seems to, understandably, think that somehow knowing all the specifics and having rules will make the situation safe. IMO, letting go is "safer" than straining for a control that you really don't have, but it's unlikely that will happen here. Good luck. I know this is tough. Better now than after you're married, at least.