thanks for your insights, I have a lot to think about. I am going to be starting counseling next week and hopefully that will help to address my issues. After that i will tackle S on going back to couples counseling with me.
It is not an option of going back to just S and I sadly. I don't think that M and i will ever have a good relationship again, there is a lot of hurt there but who knows. But S is determined to keep his relationship with M and that may break he and I up.