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Old 08-13-2013, 12:30 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I can't imagine why people get stuck in "either or" scenarios -when it's not either or.

I don't always want sex when one of my partners does.
Sometimes, because I don't want to-I don't do it.
Sometimes, even though I don't want to-I do it anyway because I love them and it is fulfilling to me to be able to do things for them.

The problem is when anyone gets stuck in ONE or the OTHER.

But-it's a common scenario that sex is part of a romantic relationship and if any of my partners told me it was not going to happen period-I would walk.
If they told me that they needed to halt sex for a period of time-that would be perfectly reasonable. I have done so-and I would respect their need to.
But if sex is off the table period-I am not dating them.
We could be coparents.
We could be roommates.
We could be friends.

But if we aren't going to be lovers-I'm not going to be their... lover.

Something I have found is very helpful when I am dealing with a temporary situation or emotion is to let my partners know-I need to back off for x amount of time. Can we revisit the topic on x date.

If you need a break from sex because you had unhealthy boundaries. Then set a timeframe for him-so he knows what to expect.

"I need to work on appropriate boundaries. Because I was having sex with you for all of the wrong (unhealthy) reasons. After some consideration of the situation and what it is going to take for me to relearn these behaviors, I am thinking that 3 months will give me a good start. I need to table the topic of sex with anyone for 3 months and then at that time start reinstating it into our lives in a more healthy manner? (with specific examples of what that means)

Be sure to define what you mean by sex. Everyone has different understandings of what is or is not included.
Be sure to define set behaviors to be learned.
Set behaviors to start putting in place and behaviors to stop.

Followed up by
Thank you, yes, my taking sex off the table was TEMPORARY. It was not, and never was, "I am done having sex with you". I needed some perspective, and to take a step back. Yes, I was angry about how things were happening, about his expectations for sexual contact, and we could have communicated better about it.

For the record, we did have sex a week ago. Because I wanted to. We will again, when I want to. If he asks, and I am open to it, it will happen. It is not a done deal.

True, I should have put a time limit on it, but I did not know what an appropriate time frame would be. Right now our arrangement is that he will not put pressure on me and we will just be open to what happens naturally. Which is how it should be anyway, in my opinion...
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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