Originally Posted by Mark1npt
So with these other women and your "aching" on the side...what are you gonna do with the little misses?...and ditto what Ygirl said.
In truth, I am not certain what I am to do with my wife. As of the moment I am deployed overseas, and I keep in touch with my family via the internet. I have made my bed, and I must sleep in it. This is a mess of my own making and I am not about to claim any pride in it.
I do care deeply for my wife. And her health is a big concern for me. And I am gratefull for the nature of the benefits that my chosen profesion provide for my family. I admit to having been tempted with separating from my wife, however as the saying goes, "things are seldom as simple as they sound". I do love my wife. And dispite the fact that I have failed to find a way to bridge this gap of distance between us, I do my damnedest to support her as best as I can.
However, I know that it is not fair to her, and that as much as I can be a good provider, there are aspects of her needs that I have yet to (and to my shame fear I will never) be able to apease. My wife is unaware of my cheating. And I call it that, for as much as I hope to redefine it to an aspect of being poly, that will matter little to her should she discover it. My wife has suffered long from self esteem issues and personal insecurities. And I do take much of the blame for this. Being unable to be as emotionally available to her as she needs, only fosters this.
However, should I ever decide to leave, there is only so much support that I could provide for her in a divorce. My wife due to her physical problems can not work. And we have atempted to apply for disability for her but that has not panned out. In good consience I am unwilling to separate from her and leave her stranded. YES my wife does have family, however they are ill equiped to properly support her.
I do LOVE my wife! But its not the nature of love that a husband should have. My wife is a good freind and someone for whom my love will allways be there for. Yet the intimate love that I am lacking in my life, has never come. Much to my regret, shame and dismay. As I had mentioned before, out of my care for her I married her to make her happy. Foolishly thinking that would be enough. But I have never truely loved her or desired her as a lover should.
So what am I to do? I am not sure. I have been married for eight years. My most fervent hope, is that I could talk to my wife about my feelings. And pray that she is not devastated. I have atempted to in the past but the sheer depth of distress that was displayed by my wife has since given me pause.
I have been in my online relationship with Z for nearly a year. And with C for close to four months. What is to happen when this deployment ends and I return home? Good question. And I hate repeating myself from lack of a clear answer but, I am not certain what will become of us all. Am I just a simple shelfish bastard? A cheating husband? Possibly so. Or is there something somewhat redeamable in me? Time reveals all things. I fear so much the pain that I will cause my wife to finally give her the truth of my actions and my feelings. And yet.. to face the risk of loosing touch with Z and C makes me feel... physically ILL.