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Old 08-12-2013, 08:27 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thank you wildflowers, Cleo and Ry.

I'm starting to feel better already. I was in a weekend-long event and many of my poly friends were there too. Including Evan. So this was the first time I saw him after the break-up. It was alright. We didn't talk about anything very deep, just chatted about the event and light stuff like that. On the last day he said he's happy we can still hang out and talk. I'm happy about it too. We do have a lot of mutual friends, so I will see him often anyway, so it's really good to be in good terms. I'm not angry at him, he didn't do anything wrong. At some point it did hurt a little just to look at him and realise I can't touch him the way I used to, that it's not okay anymore to hold hands or kiss. But I'm sure that'll fade with time.

It has been weird in some ways to talk to Hank about the break-up. Not so much to rory, because she was there for me when I broke up with JJ, so she already knows what it's like. But this is the first time for Hank to be in this situation. I mean, he's dealing with it quite well, I don't have any complaints. It's just that sometimes I feel weird talking about it. At one point he said jokingly (and I do want to emphasize that it was clear from his tone of voice that he was joking) that now I just need to settle for the two partners that I've got. That felt quite bad even though I know he didn't mean it that way, he was just trying to lighten the mood. But I guess that's exactly the thing why I find it a bit difficult to talk about the hurt I'm feeling, to anybody really. I still have two partners who love me, what the hell am I complaining about? Nobody has said anything like that to me, but sometimes it feels like it's there between the lines.

There's also something I wanted to mention here, but it happened just before the break-up, so I didn't have the need to write about it then since there were more important issues at hand. So when I was visiting Home Country, I sort of reconnected with Bob. We haven't had sex in a long time, but this time he opened up a conversation about how things are different now and he could see us going back to the way things were before I left. We had a very good conversation about the past, what went wrong and he even apologized something he'd said back then. I left feeling like we understand each other better, it was great. And then we had sex as well. It was a strange experience, because I'm totally over the feelings I once had for him and now I only have friendly feelings towards him. Until that day I had never had sex with anyone (well, if we're talking about one-on-one sex) who I didn't have some kind of romantic feelings for. Now I have. It felt like sleeping with a totally different person, apparently that's how big of a difference it makes for me. Very interesting to have that experience now. So now the deal is that we're friends first, but if we happen to feel like it when we see each other (which is obviously rarely, since he's in Home Country and I'm here), the possibility for sex exists. At least as long as he's single. He said you never know, but he doesn't think it's likely that he'll end up in another open relationship again. So we'll see. It's an interesting turn of events in my mind, I feel like we started something completely new instead of returning to the way things were before.
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