Originally Posted by Marcus
This is just murky communication (on both sides). I'm glad you guys are working on that, otherwise it sounds like that would just keep giving you headaches.
I agree with you. Murky. Having said that, I kind of think that all communication involving humans is murky at best - even if one side of the conversation has perfect understanding, the humans murk it up.
To me, learning to understand a person well is the work of a lifetime. I'd be worried if my SO and I felt that we understood each other perfectly after 3 years together. To me, it would indicate that somebody was either lying deliberately or just misunderstanding and assuming that they did understand.
I hope we have many more years ahead of us to work on our ability to communicate with each other.
UGH! I've had that argument before. It's that kind of drama that I don't want in my life; someone getting pissy because I didn't capitulate to their demand (if "no" is not an acceptable answer, it is a demand).
I know what you mean and for me, it isn't an exact thing but the bottom line is that I don't totally trust myself. Sometimes the people in my life are right to get pissy if I say "no" to them. Sometimes if I say "no" it's because I'm behaving like a total cunt and they are right to be in a rage with me.
Obviously, I don't apply that to everybody but there are people in my life who I feel I can ask if I'm being unreasonable. If I've changed, or am stressed and being horrible due to stress. Or if the situation is genuinely one where it's okay to say "no" and the other person just needs to deal with it.
Lots of the books I've read over the years have led me to doubt myself sufficiently that I want to know if I'm annoying people - in case it's me being a twat and not them.
Ben Goldacre writes lots about how scientists have to set up double blind randomised studies so that they don't know what's going on. Not because they would all deliberately cheat but because if they knew what was being tested they would subconsciously do things that would affect the validity of their results.
Bruce Lipton writes about how strongly our environment impacts on us and how helpless we are as individuals against that.
Malcolm Gladwell has written tons about how trusting instincts is really only something that experts in whatever field it is can do. The rest of us are as likely to be wrong as we are to be right.
Stanley Milgram and Phillip Zimbardo's experiments into how strongly people are controlled by those around them are compelling and kind of terrifying. I had nightmares when I was reading The Lucifer Effect
My lack of trust in my own motivations and behaviours are what leads me to want feedback from others.
Plus - I have a preference for life to not be simple and easy. I get bored that way. I like challenges and that includes in personal relationships. Simple and easy isn't for me.