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Old 08-12-2013, 05:10 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Originally Posted by london View Post
I think it's obvious that you're now incompatible. Instead of waiting until you hate each other and yourselves for not having your needs met, why not call it a day?
We have both considered that, and even before this relationship came up for us(me). Truth is, we have been together a long time, we do love each other, and we have three kids. Not so easy to just walk away from. Neither of us does major change well, although I have adapted better than he in this way.We are just not ready to give up.

Originally Posted by Arabella View Post
Yes, this is how our story went (so far.) After over a year of falling apart every time I went out with the boyfriend, he finally got a relationship of his own, as he wanted, but he wasn't really attracted to her, she was just available for him. Four months and two girlfriends later, he's now with a woman who loves him as much as he loves her and he's genuinely happy. (And the sexual chemistry/attraction is there.) We get to talk about how he handled things in the past and how we all want to handle them in the future.

He's really a much better person now, to me and to himself. But he did have to have a couple quick relationships to finally realize that he needed more than someone to "fill the void." Trial and error, but it worked out well.
I do hope we can get there, for his sake. I want this for him, to be happy. IF it will make him happy. Part of is that he has never been in relationship with more than one person, ever. He does not how it works, or how it feels. So for me to try and explain it just doesnt carry over right now.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I have to agree with the general sense of this comment. Has anyone played out the possible scenarios of what you want or whats being suggested ?

You have a roommate relationship. You start spending more time with BF. You starting a sexual relationship with BF. Him finding a gf ...starting sexual relationship. You forcing yourself to be the in house sex worker to facilitate the other side of this trade (keeping someone happy) All these seem to have higher odds of going down the same negative path ...split/divorce. Even him finding a GF...( deck stacked so heavily against him ) but let say he does ....door pretty open to a cowgirl ...or wider still of him finding a more suitable life partner. Unless that's part of the soft let down and exist strategy.

Sounds to me like he is agreeing to hang on and not break up the family? Outside of that why would he want to stay married to you ? do you have a good high paying job, you're a great housekeeper, etc, etc ....or the fear of being ripped apart in a divorce?

I might of asked this before sorry if I did ...Is he a member and has he read this thread ?

I know one way to get over things is to see and hear the hard truth. Sensing your wife might not be in the mood is one thing ...KNOWING she been doing it out of obligation or pity is quite another. Also knowing if all obstacles were removed it would be a completely different story.

Roles reversed how would you react if he or the new Bf told you that?
I would feel shitty, granted. It is part of why I am doing my best to be flexible with him, and give him the chance to integrate the information. Not to make him feel bad, just to help him understand that he is sometimes asking me to do something I dont want to do. He experiences sadness and grief over the fact that I dont WANT to, not so much that I wont do it....

I had a shitty shitty week in terms of work. We saw a therapist the same day (was scheduled anyway) and we both liked her. Have another appt this week. Hoping to make some headway soon....

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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