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Old 08-11-2013, 05:36 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post

What strikes me after reading your thread is that hubby is basically feeling envy and also feeling like things are out of control. Both entirely normal feelings when one is new to poly (or even when one isn't).
He says it is envy.

There is also fear that he'll loose me in the end. He says that is what is consuming him the most. A fear that I'll meet someone who really isn't into poly, but because I fall in love with this person, this new guy would convince me to go back to mono and leave him.

Another situation where I could try to convince him as much as I could but until we are there, he will never know if this fear is a reality. And I could never be mono again.

I also think that what you are going through is the 'normal' response to suddenly having a world of men at your fingertips. It's exciting. You're getting lots of messages. It's all fresh and new. Of course you want to date - and probably keep dating until you find someone you really click with. As you say, it won't go from one email to love. It can't even be pushed in that direction. Connections will be as they will be.
I tell him I can't control who contacts me & I think he realizes that. I rarely send a message to a guy. I've done one but all this guy wants is to have sex, so I'm not meeting him.

When hubby is saying "you're acting like you just want to sleep around" what he's really saying is "I'm uncomfortable/envious about the amount of attention you are getting" and "I'm uncomfortable about the idea of you going on lots of dates."
Like I said above, it's what will happen in the end he is fearful of. He sort of has a doomsday perspective about us (not sure why, we've made it this long together and I don't daydream about not being with him when I'm too old for sex).

He read poly hell last night and realized he has separation anxiety issues. A story his mother loves telling everyone about is when he was about two weeks old, she went into the bank, set him on a chair, finished up her business and walked out, without getting her baby. I think parents sometimes don't realize what they do to their children by recounting a tale that seems funny but actually has devastating emotional impact.

My GF and I have been together for just over two years and poly from the start. When we both started really dating others, she was at it like a bull at a gate. We laugh about it now and, understandably, it still irks her a little bit that I call it her Dating Mania phase. She went on something like seven dates in five weeks and there were men coming at her (perhaps pun intended, perhaps not) left right and centre. It felt like she was constantly talking to men, at all hours of the day, and that her head, heart and whatever else was fully engaged in that.
I am trying my best to limit my interaction with other men. When hub is home, it's all about him. I ignore texts, emails, okc messages so my focus is on him. I'm trying to set boundaries for myself so I'm not intruding on his time with me.

But when he's at work (jealousy maybe) he's thinking about how I have free time to contact other men and that I'm not thinking about him. I do think about him but he's working, so he doesn't reply back to me immediately. And I'm raising our kids and watching other kids so I'm not always on my cell.

For me, it just felt out of control. Every time I turned around, there was a new man on the go; some new entity to 'get used to'. I also struggled with my own moral/biographical differences, because I've always had long term relationships and very few sexual partners, whilst she has always been... well, what's the word? Promiscuous I suppose. I don't like that word. But oh well, it's the only one I can come up with.
I'd say he is much like you. I was "promiscuous" in both high school & college. He has had very few sexual partners. It sounds like your gf and I are a lot alike.

Nowadays, I accept her for who she is. If she's lucky enough to find men attractive and therefore falls into the pool of getting lots of attention (unlike, say, your hubby and myself who are interested in women; and women more rarely make the first move) then I am very happy for her.
I hope he does come to accept me for me and finds happiness in my joy.

I'll be really interested to read your husband's posts, if he does decide to come onto to forum.
I gave him the link to the forum and suggested he sign up. We agreed to not get upset with each other's posts here; otherwise we'll be in a bigger poly hell.

Overall, I'd say that perhaps there needs to be less emphasis on what the end goal is, even though it's good to have a common one in mind. Perhaps the issues, as you are discovering, are coming from the here and now. Perhaps there is a lack of agreement between you two about being poly in general? Or about what this entails? Perhaps there are expectations that are unrealistic, unfair, or not being met? Perhaps there needs to be more communication in the here and now? For example, perhaps your husband needs to know that you want to date and that you would actually be happy to date many, be happy to stay casual or develop further, or whatever it is that you are feeling. Perhaps he feels that you are saying one thing, but doing another? That's what it actually sounds like to me.
We are working on it. My end goal is another lover, only one, not two or three. He and I would like a unicorn as well, but men are more my focus at this stage in my life.
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