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Old 08-11-2013, 01:14 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467


What strikes me after reading your thread is that hubby is basically feeling envy and also feeling like things are out of control. Both entirely normal feelings when one is new to poly (or even when one isn't).

I also think that what you are going through is the 'normal' response to suddenly having a world of men at your fingertips. It's exciting. You're getting lots of messages. It's all fresh and new. Of course you want to date - and probably keep dating until you find someone you really click with. As you say, it won't go from one email to love. It can't even be pushed in that direction. Connections will be as they will be.

When hubby is saying "you're acting like you just want to sleep around" what he's really saying is "I'm uncomfortable/envious about the amount of attention you are getting" and "I'm uncomfortable about the idea of you going on lots of dates."

My GF and I have been together for just over two years and poly from the start. When we both started really dating others, she was at it like a bull at a gate. We laugh about it now and, understandably, it still irks her a little bit that I call it her Dating Mania phase. She went on something like seven dates in five weeks and there were men coming at her (perhaps pun intended, perhaps not) left right and centre. It felt like she was constantly talking to men, at all hours of the day, and that her head, heart and whatever else was fully engaged in that.

For me, it just felt out of control. Every time I turned around, there was a new man on the go; some new entity to 'get used to'. I also struggled with my own moral/biographical differences, because I've always had long term relationships and very few sexual partners, whilst she has always been... well, what's the word? Promiscuous I suppose. I don't like that word. But oh well, it's the only one I can come up with.

Nowadays, I accept her for who she is. If she's lucky enough to find men attractive and therefore falls into the pool of getting lots of attention (unlike, say, your hubby and myself who are interested in women; and women more rarely make the first move) then I am very happy for her.

I'll be really interested to read your husband's posts, if he does decide to come onto to forum.

Overall, I'd say that perhaps there needs to be less emphasis on what the end goal is, even though it's good to have a common one in mind. Perhaps the issues, as you are discovering, are coming from the here and now. Perhaps there is a lack of agreement between you two about being poly in general? Or about what this entails? Perhaps there are expectations that are unrealistic, unfair, or not being met? Perhaps there needs to be more communication in the here and now? For example, perhaps your husband needs to know that you want to date and that you would actually be happy to date many, be happy to stay casual or develop further, or whatever it is that you are feeling. Perhaps he feels that you are saying one thing, but doing another? That's what it actually sounds like to me.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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