Good days and bad days. Sometimes I'm doing ok, and think that it is all for the best. And then I get these huge waves of grief because something pops into my head - I'm reminded of something C said, something MrB did - and it's overwhelming.
The relationships were so very different but now it almost seems like the grief over them has melted together into one big pool of mourning. Maybe that's a good thing?
Trying to take good care of myself. Eat healthy. Not drink too much coffee or alcohol - they tend to increase my anxieties. Talk to friends, but not too much, cause I find that all the talking and hashing out doesn't really help much. Spend lots of quality time with Ren. I took some time off from work, and hope that will also help to ground myself again.
Got an email from C yesterday. 'It's been a month, I wonder where you stand, and if there is still something between us? What do you want to do?'
Ugh. So typical. Not a word about how he feels. Putting all the responsibility on me. I replied that nothing has changed for me since we last spoke, and that I do want to talk to him, but not now because feelings are still too raw, and that I need another month at least.
BGuy got in touch, but hasn't responded to my proposal for a date yet.
Came across this Dorothy Parker poem the other day. It pretty much sums up how I feel about any potential new relationship.
I'm wearied of wearying love, my friend,
Of worry and strain and doubt;
Before we begin, let us view the end,
And maybe we'll do without.
There's never the pang that was worth the tear,
And toss in the night I won't -
So either you do or you don't, my dear,
Either you do or you don't!
The table is ready, so lay your cards
And if they should augur pain,
I'll tender you ever my kind regards
And run for the fastest train.
I haven't the will to be spent and sad;
My heart's to be gay and true -
Then either you don't or you do, my lad,
Either you don't or you do.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 2 + years