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Old 08-11-2013, 06:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,796

Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
Yesterday, I heard another possibility described, where if one considers disclosure as a sliding scale from extreme secrecy to sharing everything, then DADT falls somewhere on that scale. Do others see it this way?

I tried to image what the steps along this sliding scale of disclosure would look like.
  1. You know nothing about your partners' partners, never want to meet them and never want to hear about them.
  2. You've met each OSO once, but insist upon never seeing them again, nor discussing them.
  3. You don't mind bumping into OSOs and know who they are, but don't make plans including them and prefer not to discuss them.
  4. You know OSOs well, consider them at least good acquaintences, and sometimes include them in plans, but don't share details about sex and intimacy with them.
  5. You are good friends with OSOs (when friendship is reciprocated), they are a regular part of your life, you share details about sex and intimacy... perhaps even *expected* to share details.
I would call only #1 DADT. I think #2-5 are not DADT, hopefully obviously in some cases. Until yesterday, I didn't think there was much difference of opinion about what is and is not DADT. I got the impression some people think that if you're not extremely open (as with #5) that meant you had a kind of DADT relationship.

I'm very curious what this group thinks.
I agree with whoever said that "this group" is likely to disagree on tons of stuff. That said, I also agree with whoever said that DADT implies a level of willful denial.

I screwed up with Dude early on when I represented a level of DADT that did not, in fact, exist (or didn't exist at the level that I was leading myself to "believe" that it did). Lesson learned (and resolved).

Right now, we are at various levels of 3-5 on your scale with various situations depending on everyone's comfort levels. I don't see any of these (3-5) as being DADT, but more to do with levels of comfort and privacy, and these are specific to each person.

I, for instance, don't particularly need to meet anyone who is a casual sex/dating partner of one of my partners. I DO want to be informed if the relationship includes sex (specifically relating to safer sex agreements...I do NOT want to hear details) and would like to be informed when the relationship is "evolving" into deeper emotional attachment (which hasn't happened yet).

Dude is pretty much an open book. Eager to share and hear everything.

MrS is the middle road - open to hearing whatever we want to share (with a minimum similar to mine), open to sharing whatever we want to hear (with a maximum similar to Dude's).

We ran into a situation the other day where Dude didn't understand why I drew a "privacy" line where I did. I'm curious how others feel.

So, Dude is on a date with a girl from OKC. I want to check out her profile but I can't remember her OKC handle. He has shared this info with me, she has checked out my profile, she knows who I am on OKC, she knows about me/I know about her. I know that they have messaged back-and-forth on OKC. So I click on the "messages" tab on his profile on his computer (which is open right next to mine) to see who he has been messaging see if I recognize hers. (For the record, I got the wrong one - they txt'd me the right one a few minutes later.)

The point is...I am NOT willing to actually open up the messages to confirm that this is the right girl. We talked about this later. For me, checking the messaging list of girls that he has talked to (most of which have also visited my profile) so that I can check out their (public) profile doesn't feel like an invasion of privacy, since I have explicit permission to be on his computer and this is info that he would (or did) share with me anyway (we often look to see whether girls who check him out looked at mine and MrS's profiles as well).

BUT, reading messages that she sent to him without her permission, or without him being present (and therefore sharing the info with me intentionally as part of an ongoing conversation - like me sharing a text with a close friend and conferring over what it might mean) feels like I would be invading HER privacy. His position is that she sent the message to him, he is free to share that with his partner if he chooses, therefore no-one should consider OKC messages sent to him to be "private".

My position is that, unless he has specifically informed his messaging partner that his partner could be reading all of his OKC messages (which I am not, but he would be fine with) then there is an "implied privacy" that I am not willing to break unless - a.) he intentionally shares a message with me (burden on him) or b.) she has stated that it is okay with her that I read ANY messages from her to him (burden on her). I am not willing to take that upon myself.

Sidenote: MrS immediately understood why I drew the line where I did, Dude is still confused, what do you think?

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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